September 6, 2003

• Perspective on Patience

  
  

  patience (pay-shenz) n. 1. calm endurance of hardship, annoyance, or inconvenience or delay etc.  2. perseverance

  
  

  Okay, I'm calm, check.  Wait a minute, the blood pressure is a little elevated, the heartbeat races and my head is spinning, but I'm smiling, speaking in calm tones and really unless you're holding my hand, you might not notice anything particularly energetic going on here, that ought to count - shouldn't it?  How calm is calm anyway?  Isn't there some sliding scale?  I mean I don't have to be calm in the same way as when I'm meditating, right?  That level of calm would put me in a state just a few degrees off from catatonic making it somewhat unlikely that I'd care that I burned the broccoli because I was staring out the window contemplating the beauty of the trees.  (Yes, I did this two nights ago, and Michael is still asking me if I was mad at him because "you know I like broccoli, so why did you burn it?"  He has a hard time believing that Momi doesn't MEAN for everything that happens around here to turn out the way it does.)

  
  

  Hardship, I can handle hardship.  Tighten the shoelaces, tuck my chin and just do it.  After all energy used to complain is energy taken away from the stores needed to get through it.  I'm a big believer in "just do it" when things get rough.  During the times that things are going smoothly, I spend a lot of time overthinking myself, second guessing, and generally doubting that I have a clue about what I need to do or why this option is better than that one.  But let things get rough and I turn into the fieldmarshall around here barking orders right and left.  It may take me a half an hour to decide what to make for dinner, but let Tucker get a cut on his leg and I'm in high gear.  Shoes, keys, kid - ER.  And if I'm a little gruff, they'll get over it.  That's not impatient, that's focus.  See, I'm doing pretty well on my little self-exam here.  I've figured out that I'm calm enough, and I can handle hardship.

  
  

  Annoyance happens.  You know every where you turn there are annoying circumstances and people.  Annoyance isn't hardship, it's just - well, annoying.  I handle some types of annoyance with grace and humor.  The salesman who hovers, he's just doing his job.  The woman who shoves in front of me in line, gotta feel sorry for someone who is in such a bad place that she would disrespect herself by acting that way.  If the annoyance is with people I can extend compassion and patience.  My tolerance for annoyance drops pretty rapidly when it involves noise.  The neighbor operating heavy machinery ALL DAY LONG, the repetitive dings and blips from the video game machine (and now we know the REAL reason I limit the boys to only an hour a day on that thing.)  Noise grates on my nerves, disrupts my concentration, distracts my focus, and wears on my ears.  Especially noise associated with the kids I find incredibly difficult, because I can't tune it out.  What if they suddenly change from playing and start talking to me?  But I've zoned out somewhere?  That's not good.  I've given them permission to use the chainsaw before I realize what they were asking! 

  
  

  Inconvenience - what is that?  A prickle in the spot of my ego that retains the belief that I deserve to have everything go my way?  Mostly inconvenience can be dealt with by laughing at myself and moving on.

  
  

  Aaaaaaah, but waiting.  Waiting is hard.  Having to wait for something I want badly begins to trigger all those fears that I've tried hard to grow away from over years.  Is this really going to happen?  Am I out of step?  How do I know when the timing is right?  What if I push the process and get a less than mature product? 

  
  

  Take a deep breath.  What can I do right now that will not push, rush or press?  How can I be calm when I'm waiting for something that I've waited for all my life?  How can I not be calm when I can see the thing that I've waited for all my life almost within my reach?

  
  

  If anyone asks you whether its a wonderfully fulfilling experience to publish a book - laugh and tell them "no." 

  
  

  When I was in school, I studied calligraphy for a couple of semesters.  I learned there that while other art forms have a patron saint or angel associated, writing - beautiful writing - comes with a demon, Titivillius by name.  Titivillius delights in allowing the artist to get down to the final sentence of the last paragraph then blowing an inkblot across the page.  He, howls with glee if he's able to cause an inattentive monk to misspell a word.  In this day and age, he's become technically savvy.  I'm convinced that he lurks around the edges of my life and causes delay.  He kills my computer or the battery in my cell phone, or creates a hitch in my travel plans.  He causes my ink cartridge to run out HALF WAY through printing the manuscript.

  
  

  Who came up with this idea that it's a virtue to be patient anyway?  Probably the same guy who said that it's a good idea to be kind to people and to promote justice.  Easy for him to say. 

  • 9:06 am
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