August 16, 2003

• Still Wanna be a Cocoa Goddess

  
  

   

  
  

  A couple days ago I was as Walmart and I couldn't help it.  I bought Bringin Down the House.  We missed it last Spring when it was in the theater, so I was looking forward to curling up on the sofa with my husband and some hot-buttered popcorn to remedy that sad situation.  Oh, it was funny.  Steve Martin just gets better and better at the kind of comedy that enables us all to laugh at the ways that we try to be cool.  That's his genius, he preaches the message over and over again that the harder we try to be cool, the less cool we are. 

  
  

   

  
  

  I've been thinking of blogs to post ever since we watched it.  There are obvious trains of thought about what we find funny and what we find offensive in the way that people respond to clashes of culture.  (One of the critiques I'd offer is that they used a lot of stale stereotypes of white bigots.  In this day and age, bigotry has become much more subtle than to assume that all black people are waiters and servants.  I thought the film wound have been stronger if they had chosen to portray the type of bogotry that we are more likely to encounter.  They also stereotyped black culture by equating all black culture with hip-hop.  And finally there is a difference between racial bigotry and cultural bigotry that I'd love to address.)  I could probably write a book about the music, or the compare the rich beauty of Queen Latifah to the ephemeral appeal of the woman who spends two hours a day doing tai-bo and indulging herself with the most expensive spa treatments.

  
  

   

  
  

  After the film I watched all the interviews with the actors and so forth.  (Oh, yeah, surely I'm not the ONLY person in America addicted to the behind-the-scenes stuff on DVD's.  Actually, it was the behind-the-scene extras that pushed me to make the jump from VHS to DVD format.) One clip featured the woman who played the gold-digger ex-sister-in-law, Kristen.  She said something to the effect that as she was preparing for her character, she thought back on all the people who had hurt her, used her, manipulated and abused her.  And she wanted to bring those people to life in the character she portrayed. 

  
  

   

  
  

  It was a throw-away comment, but it's stuck in my mind as a wonderful illumination of how we become hurt-full persons.  We internalize and carry along with us the people who've wounded and abused us.  Then, without meaning to, we bring those people to life in our own character.  Say I've been disappointed by someone who made a promise that wasn't kept.  I swear that I'll never be hurt by that kind of thing again.  So I meet another person, who makes a different (or maybe even similar) promise to me.  But, that brings up all kinds of red flags, it feels like it felt right before the rug was pulled from beneath my feet.  If I'm not very careful, I react not to the person who's present with me, but to the person who hurt me and is long gone. 

  
  

   

  
  

  Without becoming too convoluted, I can easily work my way from the initial hurt to the point where I can see that my behavior, rather than being the protection for myself that I've intended, mimics the behavior I despise.  Instead of moving on, I've brought that hurt with me into the present and inflicted in on another person.

  
  

   

  
  

  While I've been mulling this over, I've had an encounter that underscored the need to be aware of these pitfalls.  I did something that is a routine type action for me.  Nothing that 99% of the people I know would think about twice.  But in this particular case, my behavior brought to mind an unpleasant association for a friend of mine.  Now, the thing that impressed me to no end is that my friend told me what was happening.  The conversation was handled in such a way that I didn't feel at all defensive.  My friend didn't suggest that there was anything wrong with what I'd done.  Just acknowledged to me that there were some negative feelings and told me why.  That's a person who won't be caught in the quicksand of a destructive pattern through unconscious repetition. 

  
  

   

  
  

  If the point of growing-up is to become the kind of person who can interact with other people in a way that affirms both, then I would have to say that my friend is way high up on that ladder.  And I'm a lucky person to have someone like that in my life.

  
  

   

  
  

  OH, and I'd still like to be a cocoa goddess. 

  • 6:49 am
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