Cartoons Lead to Strange Questions ~

"Momi, if the Grim Reaper is a dead guy, who came to get him when he died?"

Fighting Fair

Several weeks back I posted an excerpt from Virginia Satir's book Peoplemaking which describes people living authentically - assertively.  Way down at the bottom of her description she says that fully human people fight fairly. 

It's not easy to fight fairly, we live in a culture that tends to applaud when the underdog throws sand in the eyes of his opponent, we think of that as resourceful, plucky, and we approve the fact that the guys we've chosen to back will take advantage of every trick in the book to win.  I'd like to suggest that unfair tactics may win the fight, but ultimately they lead to loss.  The unfair tactic costs us our honor, our integrity and the trust of our potential allies in future fights.  Unfair may win the fight, but it costs us the war.

It's not so hard to throw sand in the eyes of an opponent, it's much more difficult to get off the ropes and find that opponent's legitimate weakness.  I view the temptation to resort to unfair tactics as a signal that I should stop and take a closer look at my opponent and ask myself whether my opponent might not be in the right.  There is no loss of honor in conceding a battle when you have looked honestly at the other side's position and determined that they know what they are talking about. 

At this point it would be disingenuous not to mention the battle that occurred on Xanga three days ago.  As the person who fired the opening shot of that little conflict, I realize that I bear significant responsibility for what happened later.  I am pleased and proud to say that for the most part the people who joined me stuck clearly to our original aims and avoided unfair tactics.  There was some confusion as is to be expected in anything involving more than one person.  But overall, the blogs written to raise awareness of the inconsistent manner in which Xanga has in the past enforced it's Terms of Use were carefully thought out and went no further than to call for consistent enforcement.

The thing that has disturbed me greatly over the past few days is that a number of people, some of whom knew better, have characterized my position as being a call for censorship.  When I sent the email asking people to assist me, I requested that any blog written be linked back especially to myself, and then more generally to any of the other blogs that might be written.  One of the people who chose to enter the discussion chose not to provide that link, and from that blog, a counter-opinion spread that based itself not on a legitimate argument against our actual position, but on an argument against a position that was never promoted here.  In terms of logic, this is known as the fallacy of the strawman.  Instead of addressing the argument of your opponent, you stereotype the opponent, change his argument to something against which you have better ammunition, and you fight that strawman. 

You may get in some good licks on the strawman, but you have lost your battle because you've chosen to fight unfairly.  The people against whom you make the false argument know its false and dismiss it.  The people who came late to the battlefield get caught up in a fight that they don't understand and say things that have nothing to do with the issue at hand.  This happened on Monday and Tuesday of this week and sadly, I've seen several Xanga friendships suffer as a result. 

Some people noticed that in the original list of responders to my request there were men and women in almost equal number, we had people who come from Christian, Pagan, Atheist, and other religious and philosophical backgrounds, there were people who write poems, essays, and one that posts erotic fiction.  In other words, there were people from every corner of the Xanga world.  We certainly do not all agree with each other, and even the briefest of tours through those sites would have made it clear that the call was not for censorship.

Some things we do have unintended consequences.  I learned on Monday that the ripples that go out from our blogs travel much further than I had previously realized and that has increased my sense of responsibility for taking care with the words I choose.  I learned that some things are indeed important enough that people can rise above personal differences to speak with one voice in calling for a solution and that has increased my sense of empowerment as an individual.  I also learned that it is possible, although I will frankly admit that I had my doubts going in, to achieve the intended result - in this case gaining the attention of the Xanga Team - without using unfair and negative tactics.  This last has increased my sense of hope that positive change is possible. 

I'd like to thank The Xanga Team - John posted yesterday that he is in the process of making the Terms of Use issue a top priority.  That he is going through the backlog and attempting to render judgments on sites that have been reported.  In addition, he is exploring options proposed by several thoughtful Xangans for changing the way that abuse is handled on Xanga to make enforcement of the Terms of Use more consistent.  These are the outcomes we wanted to achieve.  I hope it won't sound too much like I'm bragging when I say that I am pleased beyond all measure that these outcomes came as a result of fair fighting. 

Human beings living humanly are people who understand, value, and develop their bodies, finding them beautiful and useful.  They are real and honest to and about themselves and others; they are loving and kind to themselves and others.  People living humanly are willing to take risks, to be creative, to manifest competence, and to change when the situation calls for it.  They find ways to accommodate what is new and different, keeping the best parts of what is useful and discarding what is not.  When you add all this up you have physically healthy, mentally alert, feeling, loving, playful, authentic, creative, productive, responsible human beings.  These people stand on their own two feet, love deeply and fight fairly (and effectively.)  They are on equally good terms with their toughness and their tenderness and know the difference between them. - Virginia Satir, PeopleMaking

And The Winner Is ....

All of us.  Thank you to everyone who blogged about the Xanga Terms of Use yesterday and to those of you who are continuing to add your voices to the discussion today.  I have said before that the people who have subbed to my site are the cream of Xanga.  You guys totally rock. 

The first order of business with any expression of concern about an issue is to define the problem.   As I defined it yesterday, the problem is that we have Terms of Use, but they are inconsistently enforced.  It has also been pointed out that it's difficult to be consistent if the terms are vague.  I'll grant that the less ambiguity the better.  Perhaps the Xanga Terms of Use should be examined to see if they are in fact enforceable as written. 

However, and this is the key point.  The specific situation I outlined yesterday was one in which a blog was reported that clearly violated the Terms of Use.  Posting private personal information about another Xangan doesn't leave much room for discussion of whether the action is vulgar or obscene - its tortious.  (Love that word!)  There is no interpretation necessary and for that particular blogsite to have been ignored (as of this morning it's still there) has nothing to do with whether or not the Church Lady thinks my Profile Picture is a bit much.  And yes, if you haven't noticed, I AM in fact naked in that shot.

If you want to be rude, vulgar, obscene, pornographic, or use bad spelling on your site, I really think that's your issue.  I may choose not to read what you have to say, but it's hard for me to believe that bad taste equals direct harm to another person.  Xanga is a community of writers, so I know that many of us get a bad taste in our mouth at the very thought of censorship, and in many ways I think rightly so.  It's always a dangerous thing to suprress free speech.  I know that some of the people in my camp may disagree with my position here, but that's okay, they can even call me names and take issue with my naked profile self.  What they cannot do is post information about me that makes me vulnerable to identity theft.  They cannot post credible threats to my person or property.  Those actions are tortious.  (See I told you I liked that word - so I'm using it again.) 

I'm all for Kindness and Fairness, but at the same time, I'm very glad that those aren't the standards that I have to blog by.  I'm not always kind, and I'm not always fair.  I'm not the Xanga Team.  In setting up any organization, rules must be thought through and a plan of enforcement must be developed.  What will be done when a person violates the terms of use.  Will it be one strike, two strikes, three strikes?  Will it be lost of some privileges?  Will the site be closed and IP tracers set up to prevent a second site being opened from that computer?  These are decisions which must be made.  They must be made fairly.  I'm not particularly worried with whether the Xanga Team is kind to people who would engage in illegal behavior, but it looks good on the button.  Thank you very much to Craktpot for making it. 

Of all the many many blogs I read yesterday, I'd like to recommend that if you missed it - you absolutely must check out Aleph's.  Other blogs were eloquent in describing the problem and calling for action - his proposes specific workable options for solving the problem.  

If you are wondering where we go from here, I suggest that you do what I intend to do.  I'm planning to contact John, Dan, Marc, and Monsur through their email and their Xanga sites.  I will be forwarding blogs from yesterday and will be asking them to revisit the issue of enforcement.  They have given us powerful options with the delete, block, no anonymous subscibing allowed that have gone far down the road of solving some of the early problems Xanga experienced.  I'm going to encourage them not to give away their momentum in continuing to build the Xanga community into the coolest place on the web. 

I'll hope to see you in their comments sections and guestbook. 

Terms of Use ... or Abuse?

I've been blogging here at Xanga for over two years.  During that time, I have seen squabbles and hurt feelings break out on Xanga like acne on a 15 year old with a chocolate addiction.  But, I've tried not to become involved in them, I just leave my little hearts and smileys and cyberhugs and go on.  As far as I know, I haven't made any enemies here.

Every community has rules.  Unwritten rules for success such the more you comment and eprop others, the more comments and eprops you will receive.  The unwritten rules tend to emerge without design or intent, they just happen.  Written rules on the other hand are a reflection of the community's desire to define itself.  By establishing specific Terms of Use, the Xanga community is saying to each other and to outsiders - this is the kind of people we are.  (You can read the Xanga Terms of Use Here.)  It doesn't surprise me to study the Term of Use and realize that our rules have nothing to do with technicalities of code, and very little to do with regulation of site content.  The Xanga Terms of Use are primarily about relationships.  WE are primarily about relationships.  In a very real sense, Xanga is not a web site - it is a community.  And we are very concerned that the people in our community find it a safe place to be.  
 
Recently, I ran across about the 7th blog that was opened specifically for the purpose of harassing someone on Xanga.  Following procedure, I contacted the Xanga Team and gave them the links to the blog in hopes that they would take action.  I did get an email thanking me for calling it to their attention, but then the action they took was to notify the blogger that someone had complained.  The blog site wasn't directed at me and the blogger doesn't know me, so the blogger assumed that it was the victim who complained and escalated the harassment.  (Going so far as to post personal identifying information.)
 
I'm not interested in naming names or getting into specifics of that situation for two reasons.  First, because it makes me feel sick in my stomach to think that I might even inadvertently be the instrument of spreading a vile and malicious attack.  But more importantly because the problem is broader than that one nasty individual.  We pay for our membership in the Xanga community.  And Xanga has posted Terms of Use.  But the Terms of Use are not enforced consistently.  And complaints are ignored. (or mishandled)
 
I'm not at all in favor of censorship.  I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend your right to say it.  Until or unless you exceed your right by infringing upon the rights of others.  The Xanga Terms of Use are pretty clear.  But they are useless as long as they remain unenforced, unfairly enforced, or inconsistently enforced.  I know that I'm only one small blogger in the vast Xanga community.  So last week, I invited a half-dozen people from my SIR list to join me in writing today, asking Xanga to please enforce the terms of abuse.  I had hoped very much that at least a couple of them would respond.  Every single person that I asked is today posting a blog on this topic, plus other people who responded when they received the email as a forward. 

This surprising response says to me that the members of the Xanga community are not willing to stand silent while abuses take place.  The decision whether or not to take action against a site based on anything other than whether or not the site violated the terms of use is arbitrary and unfair.   Xanga Team - we want to see you put some action behind your words.  When abuses are reported to you, we want to see the abusers either remove the material or have their sites closed.

I know that in the past, I've wondered whether or not there was more to the situation than met the eye.  How was I to know whether email had been exchanged behind the scenes?  I'll admit it, I've wondered whether or not the victim somehow provoked the abuse.  I'm ashamed of that attitude.  That attitude assumes that the "good" people will be protected while the "bad" people will get what's coming to them.  Folks, if that's true then we are all in trouble because from time to time we are ALL the bad people. 

I ask you today to please do your part to encourage the Xanga Team to address abuses.  Email them when you see material that violates the terms of use.  Tell them that when one abusive site is allowed to remain, we all suffer as a community.  Tell them that we want the terms of use to have meaning.  Tell them that we can all imagine what it would feel like to be the target of abuse, and that we aren't willing for any of our number to suffer.

Oh, and there is one more thing you can do.  Visit the sites of other Xangans who are writing on this topic today.  My second fond hope today is that when I click on the link for the Xanga Featured Content list - it will be full of blogs that are calling attention to this issue.   (And BTW, if you want to join this movement, email me or leave a note in my comments section and I'll add you to this list of links.)

Check out:

Lovingmy40s
     smoothsailing
           DawnsEarlyLight

  DreadPirate             TinaCantrell 
                    Blankity-Blank
                          Zelda_Pinwheel

Fugitive
     Love_Secrets

             xdreadx
                 Moonstone
                      Kluless

                             KrisinLuck
                                 Draigstudio

Verona
      Craktpot
                HeavensPromise
                          moniet

**Many Thanks to Craktpot for making the button at the top of this blog.  Please feel free to take that graphic and add it to your own site as a way of showing your support for The Fair and Consistent Enforcement of Xanga Terms of Use.

And adding their voices Today - we have

FreekyCheek,      Tinkerfae,      BettyC 

     Anna     elfinmoon      srlucado     Scriveling

          vxnmom      MissBecky      Easter Egg      Daffo

               InvisibleAng

I hurted my finger ...

My finger got slammed and smashed yesterday.  Now it's black and purple and looks really nasty.  That's even before we get to the part about how it feels.  It's the index finger on my right hand.  Ouch.

Freaky Friday

Did you ever have one of those days where you cast caution to the winds?  You know the kind of day where you just sort of feel good about yourself?  You've been pretty good lately and you think - dang! I'll bet I've lost weight, too!  So you strip yourself completely naked (except for your bra because everyone knows that fully supported breasts weigh less than than their free range cousins).  And you even take off your earrings, and necklace and ring and bracelet and toe ring ... and you only weigh a half pound less than the last time you weighed when you know for a fact that you forgot to take off your earrings?

Tucker had a "clingy" day yesterday.  It was very common when he was younger for him to have days when he just wanted nothing more than to be held in Momi's arms and lap all day.  At six and a half, he generally feels much to grown-up to be caught dead snuggling with me.  Yesterday, I know he spent at least an hour curled up in my lap as we watched a couple of shows he likes from PBS.  Then he told me that he wanted to snuggle on my bed and have me read a book, so we did that, too. 

Today, I have this feeling that the other shoe is going to drop.  I hate when the kids do things that are out of character, it's one of those signals that something needs serious attention.  As a general rule, if I can catch him, I can hug him for up to five seconds before he squirms away.  If I get the drop on him with the tranquilzer dart, I can even get a kiss.  But hours of snuggle time?  I've already taken his temperature - normal.  I've paid close attention to the amount of breakfast he's eating - normal.  And he's already climbed onto my lap for a morning hug - abnormal.  

** Terri - I have a huge favor to ask.  Please send traffic to my blog today.  It is really important.  Thanks, I love you - Cheryl **

The Unwritten Rules

Have you ever noticed how many of the really important things of life are governed by unwritten rules?  Most of us tend to figure them out, but even when we act in accord with these rules, we may not have ever stopped to put them into words.  "Why do you make eye contact with the person speaking to you?" - "I don't know, I just do."  Now I know the example I just gave is partly a cultural thing.  But bear with me for a moment.  In our culture, we consider it a sign of attention for the person listening to make eye contact with us, and we consider it a sign of disinterested rudeness if they consistently look away while we are speaking.  But, I'll bet you that very very few of you have ever had it put to you in the form of a verbal rule - for good communication, maintain eye contact. 

Yesterday, I said that all of us have three primary relationship needs.  We need to know 1) how to make friends 2) how to acieve popularity and 3) how to behave politically.  There are rules of socialization which guide us to our ultimate success or failure in these three areas.  Some of the rules may seem obvious once you hear them, but none of us start life with a handbook that says "do this - don't do that" and you'll get along fine with other people.  It is the art of getting along with other people that I'm calling socialization - and I believe it can be taught.

It is my opinion that the way we have chosen to educate our children contributes to difficulties some people have in becoming socialized.  Because the socialization part is secondary to the academic part of school, and especially because the rules are not discussed or explained, kids have to muddle it out for themselves with varying degrees of success.  Some of the commenters yesterday made very good points that homeschool isn't a perfect alternative.  That's true.  The ability of homeschooling parents to properly socialize their children is dependent upon the parent's own degree of socialization and upon the commitment of the family to expose the children to a variety of relationship situations.  Families in isolation are not going to be any better per se at socializing their children than schools with their crowds or the unsocialized largely left to socialize each other. 

Friendship: We all need companionship.  No man is an island and all that sort of thing.  When I first began to study philosophy, I was struck by the notion put forth by the existentialists that in the end, the ultimate crisis of human existence is that we are all alone.  We don't want to be alone, and we don't want to be lonely.  So we must learn how to attract friendship and maintain it through mutually rewarding experiences.  Some of us are very good at attracting other people, we know how to get attention, we know how to put our best foot forward.  But then we think our job is done.  To use a stereotype as an example, we can all picture that physically attractive person who gives every appearance of believing that beauty is enough.  He or she enjoys the attentions of other people, but never gives attention back.  Soon these people find they must move on to the next person and the next person and the nxt because although the initial attraction is there, without the mutuality no relationship can be sustained for long. 

Popularity: Sometimes we do well "one to one" but we have difficulty with groups.  Within any group every person will fall into one of five general categories of popularity.  We will not name any names, but I believe that all of us who have been on Xanga for any length of time can think of bloggers who fit into each of these groupings.  They are Popular - well liked by most peers.  Controversial - well liked by some and strongly disliked by others.  Amiable - not well known but socially acceptable in the small group of acquaintances.  Neglected - Unnoticed by anyone (sometimes by choice, shyness).  Rejected - Actively excluded, possibly bullied, or verbally abused by others. 

Your, mine, and everyone's position in this pecking order is determined by our command of social behavior and social language.  Social behavior includes such things as dressing appropriately for the occasion, good eye contact, showing sympathy/empathy for others, and collaborating smoothly with others on a project.  When we teach our children how to play nicely with others, we tend to focus on social behavior.  Just as important to their success is their ability to understand and use social language which seems more intuitive and arbitrary.  But there are ten specific aspects of social language which can be taught.

• Communication and Interpretation of Feelings - Ability to understand word connotation, intonation, and forms of expression so a speaker's true feelings are not distorted.
  
• Code Switching - Ability to understand the need to change your way of speaking to match the group you are with.
  
• Topic selection and Maintenance - ability to know what to talk about when and how long to keep it up.
  
• Conversational technique - The ability to engage in a two-way discussion, truly sharing information.
  
• Humor regulation - The ability to understand humor and how to use it approriately at the right time and place.
  
• Requesting skill - The ability to know how to ask for something without alienating people.
  
• Perspective taking - The ability to assume the perspective of the listener and know how he's feeling while you're speaking.
  
• Affective matching - The ability to match moods with someone through language so that for example, you're not too serious when they are clowning around.
  
• Complimenting - the ability (and willingness) to praise another person.
  
• Lingo fluency - the ability to speak credibly the langauge of your peers when you want and need to do so.

Political: The final category of socialization we must learn in order to be successful with our relationships is the ability to act politically.  By this I mean that we must learn how to relate to those people who are in a position to help or hurt us, to assist or to impede us as we move toward our goals.  The politically successful person is the one with an address book full of people with whom relationships have been effectively built and on whom he or she can call for assistance. 

Have you ever known someone who was likable, easy-going, and hard-working yet never seemed to "get ahead?"  So you watch this person and you realize that they seem to have developed a particular self-destructive pattern of interaction with anyone in a position of authority.  They never ask for the raise, they don't know how to attract attention to their successes, they pick the exact wrong time to be hanging out at the water-cooler trying to get the attention of the cute co-worker in the neighboring cubicle.  Or they seem never to have learned how to pick the battle they want to fight and they squander the favor of others by asking for assistance in efforts that less important.  Learning political skill is the same as learning how to be balanced in your approach.  You want your kids (and yourself) to learn to get the favor of those with power without submitting meekly and become a henchperson, public relations agent, or personal servant.  The challenge is to maintain personal freedom, individual taste, and integrity in a way that doesn't antagonize the person you will need help from down the road.

So the rules of socialization as I see them are:

I. Identify and capitalize on those aspects of yourself that are attractive/interesting to other people.
II. Identify specific things you and your companion both enjoy and make it a point to offer these mutual experiences.
III.  Identify and practice the behaviors that promote enjoyable interaction experiences.
IV.  Identify and practice the language of relationship.
V. Identify and practice the skill of relationship with people who are in a position to help you achieve your goals.

*************************

Tucker and the Cat: Tucker was not quite three years old when we adopted two cats.  I tried to teach him how to properly treat the animals, but to say that he wasn't getting it is a bit of an understatement.  He would chase the cats, grab their tails, pull their ears etc.  I finally decided that although it was really hard for me to do, I was goind to have to stand back and let the cat scratch him just once so he'd learn that the cats have "rules" too.  The day came when the cat was strolling by and Tucker reached out to pull her tail.  Surely enough, she whirled around and scratched his leg.  Without any pause for consideration, he bent down and bit the cat's tail - hard.  The cat has learned not to scratch Tucker.

(No cats were bitten in the staging of this photograph.) 

Ruling Ourselves

I've been thinking about rules.  It seems to me that a significant portion of parenting is strictly devoted to identifying rules.  From the day you bring the baby home from the hospital you begin to realize there are rules you never considered but which you will disregard to your peril.  I think the first RULE that we discovered was Never allow cool air to enter the baby's diaper area.  I don't know if it works the same for baby girls as it does for baby boys, but the second that diaper is opened, they experience this reflexive shoot first and ask questions later phenomenon.  We got really good at changing the diaper without ever allowing the baby to be in an unclothed state. 

At every stage so far there have been new rules to live by.  At six and nine, the rules that most concern them now are the rules of socialization.  It's one of the things every homeschooling family hears, "But what about their socialization!"  This betrays a fundamental lack of awareness about what socialization entails.  To be socialized is to internalize the "rules" that make it possible to live together with other people.  It isn't necessary to throw kids into a big pool of other unsocialized little critters and wait back while they sort it all out although that's primarily the way we've done it for the past hundred years or so.  At just the age that kids start being concerned one way or the other with whether they are liked, whether they have playmates, whether they can get along with their teachers and impress the people in authority over them - we send them off to school without giving them the benefit of a rulebook they can consult when the going gets rough. 

I'm not saying that homeschool allows kids to circumvent the process of trial and error that will occasionally have them making the same kind of mistakes that every novice will make and have to learn from.  What homeschool does is put the parent right there beside the child 24 hours a day helping them figure out the rules.  Essentially, the same rules that children need to learn are the rules that we all must live by if we are going to interact with other people.  We need to know 1) how to make friends  2) how to achieve popularity and 3) how to behave politically, the rules of socialization guide us to our ultimate succes or failure in these three areas. 

My kids are very concerned right now with externally imposed rules.  They want to know who made that rule and what its purpose might be.  We've talked about speed limits and taxes to illustrate the fact that even grown-ups have externally imposed guidelines with consequences for ignoring those guidelines.  I'm more concerned with whether they are internatlizing the rules.  It doesn't warm my heart much at all if I hear Tucker say, "I can't bite you because there's a sign posted on my wall that says "no biting".  On the other hand, when I heard him say to the cat, "I can't bite you because you have feelings and it's wrong for me to hurt you."  THAT makes me a happy Momi.  (And yes, Tucker has indeed bitten the cat before on multiple occasions which is another blog entirely.)   

Out of consideration for your time and appreciation for the fact that you've read this far!  I won't get into the specifics of the rules of socialization, today.  Consider this an introduction and tomorrow I'll get into the meat of the matter. 

*********************

I tried to visit people yesterday and had a disturbing experience.  I clicked on the links in my SIR list and was sent to bizarre places in the backwaters of Xanga that I had never seen before.  I kid you not, I was going to comment on my friend Kris, and I wound up at a site devoted to Hell.  After the fourth or fifth of these excursions into surreality, I gave up.  I'm sorry.  It was just messing with my head too badly.  Today, I very much hope that Xanga has fixed that bug.  And I'll be around to see where you've really been hanging out.         

Art is Therapuetic, Not Therapy

I'm still working my way through Julia Cameron's Walking in this World.  She has a subsection in her chapter on the Sense of Perspective on the relationship between art and therapy.  It's a good topic for consideration because the practice of art and therapy both have in common the transformation of the practitioner. 

I see therapy as essentially a destructive process.  Tear down and leave behind the illusions, the misconceptions, the distortions, and the errors of our coneption of reality.  Healing occurs through painful examination and exposure.  Art transforms us gently, as a by-product of the creative impulse.  Building our vision, painting our reality, giving voice to the song inside empowers and lifts us from where we are to the next level on the rung of life.  But we are only tranformed by our art when we are focused on the creation, not the transformation.  When we attempt to use writing, painting, or composing for a therapeutic end, we get neither art, nor healing. 

I hope for all of you, my artistic friends, that you will envision, create, and build.  And the next time I meet you, I'll get to know you fresh and new because you are the art you make.     

Stormy Weather

We've had lightning, thunder, rain, and wind today.  All around my little hill the elements have been in their element.  So all you people who are East of Indiana, batten down the hatches, it's heading your way.  For now we have a bit of a respite so I'm logging in to say 'hi' before I have to unplug everything again. 

I'll try to pop back in later for a real blog and a visit to your sites.