June 24, 2003

• Unmasking on the Internet

  
  

  

  
  

  "Be careful, people in masks are not to be trusted." (Fezzik to Inigo)

  
  

  One of the first things I noticed about the people I saw in Orlando, is how very much of them I saw.  Here in Indiana, people pretty much subscribe to the rule that if you have a body, you should clothe it.  I live in Amish country where on the hottest day of the year, a substantial portion of the community will be wearing long sleeves.  In Florida, well, I think the difference is that it's just too hot to bother with putting on clothes that you'll have to change by mid-afternoon due to the unpleasant accumulation of humidity (and sweat) in the fabric. 

  
  

  Even here in Indiana, the young, smooth, and firm show a bit of skin.  I'm used to seeing sassy little teens in crop tops and low cut jeans or boy-cut shorts.  Most of the men around here seem comfortable going shirtless while they are mowing the yard if not while they are shopping for milk.  What I'm not used to seeing are middle-aged women with large bellies hanging out beneath their halter tops.  I didn't even know you could buy bikinis in those sizes. 

  
  

  I bought a new suit while I was there.  I'll be honest, I considered some of the two piece and skimpier models but I chickened out.  Partly my reasoning went like "You are in Florida - this is not the time or the place to reveal parts of you that have not seen the sun in 20 years - unless you have a real desire to spend the last days of your vacation in a hospital."  But the second part went like - "oh, man.  Nobody has seen my stomach since I gave birth.  I even keep that little white gown in place when I visit the doctor.  There's no WAY I'm going to have total strangers checking out the pattern of stretch marks I've picked up."  Never mind that almost every woman on the beach had her own pattern of stretch marks and no one fainted at the sight.  So my new suit is a lot like my old one.  It covers me up.  Mostly.  Thinking about going bare on the beach got me started thinking about the other ways I cover up and about the things I reveal. 

  
  

  My favorite movie of all time is The Princess Bride.  I'm pleased to say that my children have it completely memorized and we quote its lines regularly.  I especially enjoy the sequence after the bumbling villains kidnap the princess when they are pursued by the Man in Black who gradually drops his mask to reveal his skills, his purposes, and himself.  The Man in Black scales the cliffs of insanity, duels a master swordsman, conquers a giant, and out-cons the con man.  Each of these scenes give us a little more and a little more information about the character.

  
  

  "Why do you wear a mask, were you burned with acid or something like that?" (Fezzik)
  "Oh, no!  It's just they're terribly comfortable.  I think everyone will be wearing them in the future."  (Man in Black)

  
  

  Virginia Satir, the noted family therapist, writes in her book, Peoplemaking that "When people feel they have little worth, they expect to be cheated, stepped on, and depreciated by others.  This opens the way to becoming a victim.  Expecting the worse, these people usually invite it and usually get it.  To defend themselves, they hide behind a wall of distrust and sink into the terrible feeling of loneliness and isolation.  Thus separated from other people they become apathetic, indifferent toward themselves and those around them.  It is hard for them to see, hear, or think clearly, and therefore they tend to step on and depreciate others.  People who feel this way build huge psychological walls behind which they hide, and then defend themselves by denying they are doing this."

  
  

  Writing here on Xanga gives me a comfortable place to reveal small bits and pieces of my psyche.  Oh, I've told you all kinds of things about me.  But I've felt safe behind walls of psychological and physical anonymity.  You read my words, carefully chosen and stripped of the body language and vocal inflection that would give you cues in real life as to whether I'm being serious or sarcastic, gentle or disingenuous.  So I write as though I expect that you will give me the benefit of belief that I'm a nice person, (and you do extend me that benefit.)  Plus you guys are just almost too supportive.  When I express views that you disagree with, you do me the honor of saying that you disagree without expecting me to change my own opinion.  If I write that I'm interested in finding out how to be kinky, you don't lift an eyebrow in judgment, you offer me suggestions for getting started.  At the same time, I'm comfortably aware that you could meet me on the street and you wouldn't recognize me.

  
  

  I had read William Goldman's book on which the Princess Bride screenplay was based several years before the movie was released.  I still remember the line on the cover of the paperback that caused me to pick it up.  "What happens when the beautiful princess is chosen by the handsome prince, and he turns out to be a son of a bitch?"

  
  

  None of us start out wearing masks.  Little children are absolutely transparent.  What you see is what you get.  They speak their thoughts honestly and express their emotions as soon as they feel them.  Over time we teach children to consider the feelings of others.  We socialize them with manners to smooth their interactions and to preserve their own and other's dignity.  But the masks don't get sealed in place until they begin to encounter rejection.  Everyone is rejected at one time or another.  It hurts.  We learn to protect ourselves in various ways.  If the rejection was intense, our defenses become fortresses.  Determined not to hurt that way again, we hide our true selves.  That way if we encounter another rejection, we have the consolation of knowing that the person rejected wasn't our real self.

  
  

  "Who are you?" (Princess Buttercup)
  "I'm no one to be trifled with, that is all you ever need know."  (Man in Black)

  
  

  One of the platitudes of family therapy is that "hurt people, hurt people."  I'm not suggesting that we dish out pain intentionally.  But in practice the more a person has been hurt the more he or she tends to hurt the people around.  No where is this more apparent than in a family.  We all want our home to be a safe place, the one place we know we can go for unconditional acceptance and grace.  In reality we all know that our homes are only safe to a degree on a sliding scale.  We don't have to live with an abuser to learn that it's a good idea to check with the mood of the other person before we reveal our own vulnerable side.  Tiredness, indifference, stress, and other symptoms of our complicated lives frequently cloud the channels of communication so that even people committed to love each other wound each other.

  
  

  In the Princess Bride, we learn that the Man in Black is Princess Buttercup's own true love.  He hides himself because his feelings have been terribly hurt by her engagement to Prince Humperdinck.  His choice to veil himself in his initial encounter is completely understandable to us.  He doesn't know her heart and he reasonably fears the rejection that she may dish out. 

  
  

  He doesn't stop at masking himself though.  From his position of relative safety he lashes out with his accusations of unfaithfulness.  He taunts the Princess with his perception that she has betrayed him and projects his fear open her.  Pushing her further and further into her own pain, he sets up the scenario in which she reaches the breaking point and pushes him over the edge of the ravine.

  
  

  There is a way out of the cycle of pain and concealment.  Through the fireswamp where rodents of unusual size, hidden quick sand, and flamespouts wait to attack, trip, consume and burn, lies the path that ends in the horrible moment of nightmare.  Even though she now knows all, Princess Buttercup chooses Humperdinck all over again.  What's a Man in Black to do?  Well, it's a romantic comedy after all so he (and we) know that Buttercup's heart is true and it will all work out in the end.

  
  

  In life, we don't have a script.  Sometimes we battle the monster and overcome our issues only to be hit with the exact rejection we feared all along.  The risk that accompanies the dropping of the mask isn't a fairytale or a game, it's real.  And the greater the risk the greater the potential that it will end every bit as badly as we fear. 

  
  

  One of my "easy" issues has to do with my appearance.   I would love to be a statuesque blond.  I'm not.  There are very few pictures of me in existence.  I'm the picture taker, so I'm rarely in front of the camera.  This has been a convenient excuse for me to avoid posting photos of myself here.  But if I confront my secret hopes I find that I'd really like for you guys to imagine that I look like my fantasy of myself as the beautiful princess.  I've talked here before about body image and some of my hang-ups about meeting people who've only known me here.  I project onto them my own rejection of my appearance and I expect that when they meet me they will like me less because I don't match the fantasy.  There is an obvious cure for this fear.

  
  

  You may notice that I've got a new profile pic.  I took that photo myself after we got home from Florida.  That's me, up close and personal with the laugh lines around my eyes.  Posting it there was a big step.  Now I'm considering what other masks may need to be discarded. 

  • 10:09 am
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