June 8, 2003

• Some Things Never Change, And Some Things Do

  
  

  Well, I'm back on it again.  Approaching my 2 year Xangaversary (hold off the congratulations I don't hit the mark for another week) I'm thinking about the ways I've changed over the past two years.  When I began writing here, I saw this as a forum for practicing expression and my hope was that somehow I'd find my own voice.  I'm not sure why it is that I thought I didn't have a voice, but I was pretty sure that there was nothing unique, or even especially interesting about my views and my life. 

  
  

  Over the past two years I've gained both confidence and humility (I believe).  Its a funny thing about thinking that I might have humility, as soon as I say it I think, hey, that's cool, and I start to take pride in the acomplishment.  The thing that makes me think perhaps I'm on that path is that I've learned over and over and over that even when I think I know what I'm talking about there is always another view from which I can learn.  But I've discovered that the fact that there is more to know doesn't mean that my original views were necessarily wrong.  I suppose what I've really learned is to understand and appreciate the finitude of my individual humanity while simultaneously taking delight in the infinite myriad of experience that corporate humanity encompasses.  I'm enriched by knowing you all, and I'm diminished when I forget how very much more we are together than any one of us can be apart. 

  
  

  At the same time that I've learned so much about my need for other people, I've learned to appreciate my own contribution and to consider it valueable.  There are a few people I've met through Xanga who have become close personal friends.  Many more of you who are acquaintances I enjoy spending my time with (even if its cyber chat time).  I have been privileged to pray with you, to laugh with you and to cry with you. It's surprising to me that some of you have trusted me with your hopes and fears, that you have asked my opinion.  I'm honored that you have engaged with me in dialogue about the most important questions we could ask.

  
  

  After two years, I recognize that in many ways, I'm a different person than the woman who first logged on to Xanga and began keeping a weblog.  But I'm not so far removed from her that I can say I've lost touch with her hopes and fears, dreams and desires.  Today I'm listening to Susan Ashton, and I love the way she expresses this give and take of relationship:

  
  

  This is how it seems to me,
    life is only therapy
    real expensive and no guarantee
  So I lie here on the couch
    with my heart hanging out
    frozen solid with fear, like a rock in the ground

  
  

  But you move me
     you give me courage I didn't know I had
  You move me
     I can't go with you and stay where I am
     so you move me.

  
  

  Here is how love was to me
     I could look and not see
     going through the emotions, not knowing what they mean
  And it scares me so much
     that I just wouldn't budge
     I would have stayed there forever if not for your touch.

  
  

  Oh, you move me
     Out of myself and into the fire
  You move me
     I'm burning with love and with hope and desire
  How you move me

  
  

  You go whistling in the dark
     making light of it
  And I follow with my heart
     laughing all the way
  Because you move me.

  
  

  You get me dancing and you make me sing
  Now I'm taking delight in every little thing
  Because you move me.

  
  

  Thank you!

  • 12:36 pm
  • 16 Comments