January 2, 2003

• It's Raining Again -

  
  

  Whenever it rains water gets into my phone line causing all kinds of static.  Since I have a dial-up modem, this static causes me to be bumped offline.  I'm living in a bad Green Acres remake!  All I need is Arnold the pig in my kitchen to make it complete.

  
  

  We started our 15th year of marriage on New Year's Eve when Tim came home with a bottle of my favorite wine and a dozen roses.  Mostly we are in winter hibernation mode, so we didn't go out to do anything, we didn't even watch the broadcast from Times Square.  (We watched Back to the Future because it seemed the most appropriate on an evening that was all about time and getting into that exciting Future Moment on which all our hopes for finally having that perfect year of life are pinned.)

  
  

       At some point recently (the days are beginning to blur together) Tim and the boys watched the Spiderman movie.  So I have the line "With great power, comes great responsibility," running around in my mind.  As I've been forced to consider this concept (really, it's almost as bad as having the theme song from Gilligan's Island), I've been looking at the power I have and whether I use it responsibly.  The most awesome creative power I possess is the power to influence.  I influence my kids (and through them the future of generations I'll never see), I influence my husband, my friends, and my extended family.

  
  

       Not long ago I came to a new point in my history of relationships.  I broke off a friendship.  In my entire life, I've never broken off a friendship.  I've had friends gradually drift away out of my life partly due to my lack of follow-up and failure to keep in touch.  But, I've never before reached the point with anyone I've ever called friend that I've said, "I cannot be your friend anymore."

  
  

       Primarily, the friendship ended because of misuse of influential power, mine and hers.  This former friend had begun to abuse the privilege of friendship demanding more and more attention, time, and support.  I finally came to understand that there was no way that the boundaries I attempted to set would ever be recognized.  My possessions, my time, and my family would all be controlled by this person as long as there was any window of influence no matter how small.  I understand that the relationship didn't get to this point overnight, and if I had maintained firmer boundaries in the beginning, or had not confused my desire to be helpful with rescuing behavior, we might still be friends.  2003 is the year I turn 40.  It's taken me almost 40 years to realize that I can't save anyone bent on self-destruction.  The most I can do is prolong the inevitable and drag my family into the maelstrom. 

  
  

       This whole family thing hasn't come easily for me.  It was hard for me to carry and birth children and it's been harder for me to figure out what to do with them once I finally got them here.  It's been hard for me to balance being a Mom, a Wife, and Myself all at the same time.  And surprisingly enough, I was caught off guard by exactly how difficult it has turned out to be.  You'd think that an almost 40 year old woman would have a bit more wisdom.

  
  

       One thing I've learned in 40 years is that there is no point in "resolving" to be "different" in the coming year.  Frankly, even resolving to do something tomorrow is too far away to be real.  But, even worse, the resolution to be different casts a cloud of guilt and recrimination over all my past behaviors and decisions.  Out of the past comes all the experience I have for living today.  And the best thing I can do is take each moment as it comes and make the best use of what I hold actually in my hand.   

  
  

       I need all the wisdom and experience I can hang onto as I constantly find myself without a clue what to do in a given situation.  Just int he past 24 hours I heard such things as "MOM!  Tell Tucker not to put an alligator in his pants."  I can safely say that was never on the list of things I expected to say as a parent.

  
  

       "Mom, I want to make my own breakfast so I can have what I want."
       Me: "What to you want?"
       Michael: "Peanut butter nad pickles on toast."  (So did I squelch his desire to be independent by insisting on a breakfast that wouldn't turn MY stomach, or did I allow him to experiment?  -  let's just say there's a reason that I'm in here on the computer while Michael's in the dining room.)

  
  

       Michael came running into the family room where Tucker was playing Nintendo and said, "Tucker!  You have to pause the game right now."
       Tucker: "Why?"
        Michael: "Because it's time for a potty break!" 
       So Tucker hit the pause button and the two of them went off for a pottyl break together.  Does anyone else think that's a little . . . odd?

  
  

       With great power comes great responsibility.  Just like any other Superhero on the planet, I'm adjusting to the fit of my cape and boots without benefit of a manual.  But, at least I have those 40 years of foundation.

  • 10:40 am
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