I Want to be Alone! 

Dark night of the soul
O guiding night!
   O night more lovely than the dawn!
O night that has united
   The Lover with His beloved,
Transforming the beloved in her Lover.

                             St. John of the Cross

What does the dark night of the soul feel like?  According to St. John, it doesn't feel like anything.  It is a place where all sensation dissipates.  All physical, emotional, psychological, and even spiritual senses are silenced.  No one can enter the dark night with you.  It is the place of utter existential aloneness.

Although we live in a day and place that supposedly exhults in individuality, have you ever noticed to what extent we will go to avoid being alone?  We fill our day with sights and sounds.  We want people, voices, and sensation in a constant flow of stimulation.  Clatter, noise, and distraction are such a way of life that we cannot even stand to be enclosed for a few moments in an elevator without that horrible muzak.  We will run, fight, hide ourselves in the crowd, anything to escape that waiting void.

Where does that leave us when there is no place to hide, no noise to distract us, no sensation that can penetrate that dark night?  What do we do when we have only ourself?  The person unused or unprepared for solitude can be trapped by arrogance, self-absorption, or depression.  Separation, loneliness, and silence become terrifying monsters looming over us with sharp talons and impenetrable scales forcing us to face our own emptiness. 

Some of the greatest leaders of our wisdom traditions have written of this dark night.  Faith grants no immunity from confinement in the still cave of the heart.  But, faith can calm our fear.  If we can but recognize that this place of crisis and disorientation is not a prison, but an open door.  Through nothingness, we can emerge like Jesus after his forty days in the desert, like Buddha who woke up under the banyan tree, or Moses who saw a fire that did not consume.

Deitrich Bonhoeffer wrote, "Let him who cannot be alone beware of community...Let him who is not in community beware of being alone...Each by itself has profound pitfalls and perils.  One who wants fellowship without solitude plunges into the void of words and feelings, and one who seeks solitude without fellowship perishes in the abyss of vanity, self-infatuation, and despair."

Mystics and sages have long practiced the Discipline of Solitude - not so that they could avoid the contamination of human temptations and relationship, but so that they could bring to their community wholeness and strength. 

"What is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?  Seek him always with hours to live.  For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness."  Kahlil Gibran

I've Got no Title for This One

Don'tcha hate it when a Xangan you admire shows signs of getting the blogging blues?  Don'tcha hate when its you drawing blanks instead of topics out of the hat?  It's never a good thing and all too often it leads to a leave of absence.  I hate that.  

So I decided that to cheer myself up I'd visit the site of a Xangan who consistently writes marvelous funny, thought-provoking essays.  And I've had so much fun that my kids are wondering what was in that glass of water. 

Now, I've decided to share my afternoon by pointing you to a random sampling of ten blogs by one incredible Xangan.  Okay, not so random - I'm starting with the one she dedicated to me because . . . it's dedicated to me, duh! 

1. Melanie

2. The No Panties Policy

3. My Pissy Valentine (this is the one that Fugitive loves because she scored with a truly wonderful comment.)

4. Cooking Show Envy (I can't even think of this one without wanting to spank a steak)

5. The Pampered Chef Coven (I PAID to read this one.  While I was on vacation I actually left the beach and went to one of those coffee shops with a rent a 'puter because I couldn't stand not kowing what was being blogged.)

6. The Bicycle Seat

7. Menage a Trois Offer

8. If You're Gonna Quote MLK, at least know what he was talking about.

9. The Perfect Grilled Cheese Sandwich

10. Why Men's Magazines are Better than Women's Magazine's

I've missed a lot of the really good ones with this commitment to randomness thing.  Like the discussion of Moral Scruple vs. Martial Duty, discussing Shakespeare with Freshmen, and Superfriends Powers.  Thanks Daff.

Foiled Again

Every time I think I've escaped the clutches of the evil book club people, they trip me up with another tendril.  This most recent fall came aver a seemingly innocuous phone call.  I can resist, I can reisist  . . .

Rinnnggggg: Mrs. Verrette?

Me: Yes.

Caller: This is the Crafters Choice bookclub.  We'd like to have you back as a member.

Me: Yes, but no thank you.  (Feeling very pleased with myself)

Caller (sensing that I'm about to hang up): We'dliketoofferyouafreebook.

Me: A free book sounds nice, but I really don't want to be a club member, I can never remember to send in the cards and i wind up buying books I don't want.

Caller: No problem.  When you get the book, just write CANCEL MEMBERSHIP on the invoice and send it back.  Keep the book just for examining the membership packet.

Me: It isn't really free is it.  There's a $45 shipping and handling fee right?

Caller: There is a S & H fee, but it's only three dollars and you get to choose the book you want from a list of books valued at $25 or more.

. . . . . .

Here I am 6-8 weeks later, with a lovely book on 2x4 projects.  There are some fabulous projects that I'd love to try.  And I was slick.  I can resist woodworking books fairly easily so when I see their pitch geared toward a closet skil saw fanatic, I'll be positively motivated to cancel the club.  Mwahahahaha.  Only, they didn't send a flyer for woodworking texts.  They sent Thimbleberries newest Quilting patterns.

Fiends.

Don't Think - Just Write!  HIT THE KEYS!

"The first draft is from your heart, rewrites are from your head."
Character of William Forrester, from the film Finding Forrester.

Tim promised the boys earlier that he would help them with a bit of toy reorganization.  They've done their part, now he's out in the shed doing his part.  The film we were watching is paused for the break.  We're watching Finding Forrester.  I estimate that we are about halfway through the story, although it's hard to tell.  We had to pause for a phone call.  Then the kids were hungry.  And now this. 

I may have already seen the part that I really needed to see.  I'm not stopping now though.  I'll watch Sean Connery even if I'm NOT being impelled by the Spirit to pay attention to the message.

I may have discovered THE perfect sandwich.  Fresh rye round bread, firm almost crisp tomato, a thick slice of Monterey Jack Cheese, and ranch dressing.  In fact, it looks like intermission is about over.  I'd better hurry if I'm going to get seconds before Tim hits the button. 

Xangity Doo Dah Shortage

I read on Daff's site earlier that she has less time these days for Xangity Doo Dah than she had in previous incarnations of her life.  I'm sad that she has been curtailed by the annoying intrusion of real life onto our little cybercommunity.  But, I do like that phrase.

Just for today, I also will be a bit short on Xangity Doo Dah time.  Tim is at home today.  Now I could wrestle him for the computer, but he's bigger and stronger and he cheats.  So I'll bide my time and do my Xangity Doo Dah tonight. 

Ooops, I see him now coming back from his coffee break. 

You guys have a GREAT day.
Terri

>>>> Baby Pix <<<<

I know ya'll are wishin I'd get off Xanga an go do my life or something.  I NEVER post three times in one day.  I must be getting some kind of dis-ease.  My family has a private little web site just for sharing news about Grandma and that kind of thing.  Sometimes we post pix too.  Here's one from my parent's archives - circa 1970.  Quiltnmomi (7 - maybe) Fugitive (baby) and Littleredtahbo (4 1/2).

Now tell the truth, I can get damages for abuse based on my parents dressing me in those pants, don'cha think?  See how I look worried, Fugitive looks kind of smug like she knows a secret that she'll tell the nearest parent for substantial bribes, and Sam is just full of mischief?  That's the way I remember it!  I always thought it was cool that I was a brunette, Fugitive was Blonde, (hard to see in this picture - you have to squint a little) and LittleRedTahbo was a redhead.  We all have Daddy's ears and nose, so I don't know who he was foolin around with . . .

< < < Calling All Cooks  > > >

This is important guys.  Help me save my lunch.  I have pork tenderloin that I cubed.  I'm browning it and planning to serve it with rice and a veggie (to be determined).  Here's the deal.  I have this recipe that calls for pork loin, rice and applejuice, with sweet potato and red onion.  It's a great casserole.  I thought, HEY!  I can capture some of that flavor if I put applejuice in with the simmering pork.  I don't have apple juice, but I do have some of those packets of apple cider mix.  So I tried that.  It smells AWFUL!  Any suggestions?  If I can't think of something quick I'm going to McDonald's for lunch and I HATE McDonalds.  (Not to mention that I'm unhappy about the ruin of a perfectly good pork loin.)

Survey Says ...

One of the surveys going around Xanga asks "What's on your bedside table?"  Some people have mundane items, tissues and alarm clocks.  Other people keep items of significance that they will see first thing in the morning, religious icons, or a keepsake of a relationship.  One fellow has a stuffed armadillo.  - Okay I made that up, but don't ya just know that SOMEONE has a stuffed armadillo beside his bed?

My bedside table in a tall narrow cabinet.  Behind the door are two shelves loaded with books.  Most of them I've read, but a few are books in waiting.  There is an open shelf between the cabinet and the tabletop.  In there I have pencils, a notebook and a book of crossword puzzles.  On the top of my table I have a lamp and a respirator.

Common medical wisdom says that people who are overweight are prone to sleep apnea.  Research says that it's unclear whether the weight contributes to causing apnea, or the apnea contributes to causing weight.  For a person with sleep apnea, sleep is a scary thing.  Once they close their eyes and enter that blessed innocent realm which "knits up the ravelled sleeve of care" (have I mentioned that I really love MacBeth?) their autonomic functions cease to work properly.  Specifically, they have periods in which they stop breathing.  As time passes the blood oxygen level falls, the heart strains to pump more and more of the oxygen deprived blood, and the brain begins to suffer.  Finally, survival responses kick in and the person makes a choking gasp which sounds like a God-awful snore.  The first symptoms of apnea include waking with a headache, excessive sleepiness during the day, lowered metabolism, depression, and reduced ability to concentrate.

There are three kinds of sleep apnea, obstructive, central and mixed.  With obstructive apnea, soft tissue blocks the throat.  With central apnea the airway is not blocked but the brain fails to signal the muscles to breath.  Mixed apnea is a combination of the two.  I have Central Sleep Apnea.

A person with Apnea (from a Greek word meaning 'without breath') can stop breathing hundreds of times per night for a minute or longer.  If I remember correctly from the diagnostic process, the apnea must happen at least once every ten minutes.  (This could be a wildly wrong number.)  Sleep Anea occurs most often in men, over aged 40, who are overweight.  When I went in to be tested, they found that my brain refuses to ever signal my muscles to breathe.  From the moment I fall asleep I never take a normal breath.  My test results were off the chart.  I have the dubious distinction of being the worst case ever observed in the Floyd County Memorial Hospital Sleep Lab. 

The treatment?  Sleep with a respirator.  There are two different machines used by apnea sufferers - a Constant Pulmonary Air Pressure (CPAP) machine, or a BiLevel Pulmonary Air Pressure (BiPAP).  I have the BiPAP.  I wear a mask through which the machine delivers air at 14 pounds of pressure while I inhale.  Then after I've taken the breath, pressure drops to 9 pounds (per inch?) so I can exhale.  The machine immediately ramps back up to 14 Pounds of pressure to forcing my lungs to breathe in again. 

Since I've had my machine (about three years now) I've taken it everywhere.  It fits in a bag the size of a small carry-on, so it's no problem to fly with it (and there is an outside pocket where I stick a book.)  Untreated apnea leads to heart attack or stroke.  If you or someone you know has mentioned any of the sypmtoms I listed above, please check with a doctor and ask about the possibility that sleep apnea is the culprit.

It's Friday!  Whooo Hooooo!  The ZangaZine is out, and so is the sun.  It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Women's Lives - Creativity

Season gave me a link the other day to a site for artist Judy Chicago.  She has done amazing work as an artist and also as a speaker on behalf of women's issues.  One thing that is undeniable is that women are severely underrepresented in the official history of art.  Less than 5% of art on display in museums was created by women. 

There are a lot of reasons for this, but I'd like to suggest that one reason is that we have reserved the word "art" for serious production of works from "artists."  Women have never lacked for creativity.  Even the poorest of women in the backhills of the poorest regions of our country have created some of the most beautiful artifacts.  Their quilts, baskets, and needle-art are exquisite.  Many of these works were created in between juggling babies, chopping wood, plucking chickens, and all the other work that women have always done in support of their families.  But, we don't call their creations art, we call it craft and we relegate it to the "anyone could do that it's nothing special" pile of undervalued women's work.

Judy Chicago has brought an unpopular message in the past few years.  She has been bold enough to say that women can't have it all.  I see her point and I agree for the most part with her reasoning, but I wonder if she hasn't bought into a stereotype about "doing art."  Is it necessary to neglect all other aspects of life in order to create?  She says that you should see your job as mere support for your studio where your real work takes place.  Children interfere with your ability to devote large blocks of time to a project, so take that into consideration before you decide to have them.  As long as art is limited in our minds and our definitions to the creation of "fine" work that falls into traditional categories, we will miss out on an understanding that many of our mother's and grandmothers knew and smiled to themselves about.  Creativity happens everytime a quilter says, this color, pattern, stitch, style, type of fabric - not that one. 

There used to be a sick joke told by kids in my youth.  "Do you know what you call a guy with no arms and no legs who hangs on a wall?  Art"  I've been thinking of that, because it seems to me that a large distinction between "art" which has been traditionally produced by men and "craft" which has been the domain of women, is that art is static.  It hangs on the wall, stands in the plaza, or lives in the theatre.  Craft gets up and moves around.  It's the blanket you take to the picnic, the bowl you each from, or the basket that holds your treasure.  Women's creativity has tended to be channeled into consumables.  We have eaten at the table of women's creativity so long that we take it for granted that we will have those heirlooms to enjoy.  But, as women take art more seriously, I wonder if we aren't losing the art that has long been taken for granted.  A machine produced rug or dress or plate may be lovely in design and perfectly uniform in creation, but it's not art - it isn't creativity we see when we look at a set of dishes, each the perfect copy of the other.

Just a few thoughts.

This concludes my contribution to the conversation Fugitive and I have been making public on women and women's roles.  We didn't claim to be settling old debates or even really arguing with each other.  These are the kinds of things we talk about and we thought it would be interesting to open our discussion for our Xanga friends to join in.   Now I'm going to school my children and she's headed off to work.  The conversation will continue off stage because no one life can be summed up on a week of dialogue.

Women's Lives - No Easy Choices

I've been flirting all week with the core issue that many associate with Feminism - the debate over abortion rights.  For the next few minutes, I'm going to ask you to do something very difficult.  Pretend that you have no opinion on the subject.  Those of us who are 40 and younger have no memory of a time when abortion was illegal or inherently unsafe, and I've read dozens of statements by older feminists who charge us with complacency on the issue.  Too often slogan-based emotional arguments mask the complexity of the issue.

Feminism derives from the proposition that all people, regardless of their sex, age, race, religion, or status, should have equal rights and the ability to live a full and happy life.  The earliest feminists, Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Lucretia Mott, and others of the 19th Century, some childless and some mothers of many children, all opposed abortion as an act of violence against women and children which favored the preferences of irresponsible men and employers over the preferences of women.  How is it today that the same proposition which led these women to oppose abortion leads so many to demand it as an essential right?

I'm in a unique position to discuss abortion.  I've not only carried children to live birth, I tried to carry children who didn't survive.  What I suffered in medical terms is called a "spontaneous abortion."  On three separate occasions within the first 14 weeks of pregnancy for reasons that aren't known to medical science, I "lost" a baby.  When I talk about this experiece, which is rare, I find two common responses.  One is to deny that my experience is anything which should have produced trauma, "look on the bright side, you do have two children" as though my sorrow for the children I lost is somehow negated by the value of the children I have.  The other response says, "well, at least you didn't do it on purpose" as though the trauma of the loss is lessened because it was out of my control. 

I can describe what happens to a woman when a pregancy is interrupted from the enviable position of one who is neither blamed nor lauded for the experience.  From the moment you realize you are pregnant, there is an awareness that everything has changed.  I liken it to being at the top of that first big drop on a roller coaster.  You know that it will be a wild ride, but it's too late to get off.  An abortion, whether spontaneous or induced, derails the roller coaster.  Hormonal disruptions trigger medical problems which are often dismissed by doctors as psycho-somatic (meaning 'it's all in your head.')  Some women report that emotional trauma associated with abortion continues to affect them for years and decades following the actual event.  According to their reports, there is a period of numbness (corresponding to the denial stage of grief) which lasts on average 63 months from the time of the abortion.  Surveys from counselling associations indicate that women may then seek help for a variety of problems, emotional or physical which are not overtly related to the experience of abortion.  In the course of the treatment, abortion related trauma emerges, especially around Mother's Day, the calculated due date of the pregnancy, Christmas, the birth of a second child, and/or the birth of a child to a close friend.

Many therapists seem unable to agree on whether abortion trauma exists as a category of disturbance to be addressed.  Research untainted by the bias of the sponsoring advocacy group is difficult to find.  Further plaguing the efforts of researchers to guage the long-term impact (or non-impact) of abortion, upwards of 50% of women who initially volunteer for follow-up studies, drop out.  (A rate far higher than standard attrition for volunteer studies.)

Pro-choice groups deny that women suffer trauma related to induced abortion.  For instance, the Planned Parenthood website quotes a study done by Nancy Adler in 1989 saying that "women experience almost no negtive emotional response to induced abortion." If you have a negative emotional reaction, you are told that you are in the extreme minority and would probably have been emotionally unstable anyway. 

However, Nancy E. Adler (Department of Health Psychology, University of California, San Francisco on behalf of the American Psychological Association, March 16, 1989), in her testimony to the United States House of Representatives, clarified the state of research, "We have no good studies of long-term follow up. Most of the studies have examined either immediate post-abortion responses or responses within a few weeks. The longest follow-up is a little over one year."  Canadian researchers found that 19% of women who participated in follow-up studies experienced Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (compared to 3% of women in the general population.)  A 1986 study quoted in the White Paper, "Psycho-social Aspects of Stress Following Abortion" by A. Speckhard (Unpublished doctoral dissertation, University of Minnesota) found that delayed psychological complications occurred for most of the women studied 5 to 10 years post-abortion. The intensity of their negative emotional reactions surprised 85% of the women and 81% felt victimized by their abortions.

On the other side are the pro-life activists who are perceived as  judgmental and condemning.  Often pro-life rallys and protests feature disturbing images of aborted babies.  Terms like "murder" and "baby-killer" are used.  Moreover, pro-life supporters are charicatured as fundamentalist Bible-thumpers with whom the majority of women in America have little in common and to whom they are unlikely to turn for counsel.  The often unspoken though occasionally voiced message from pro-lifers is, "of course you're traumatized, and you deserve it." 

There is an organization, found on the web at http://www.afterabortion.com/ which takes a neutral stance on the moral, political, or religious aspects of abortion.  Instead of focusing on the act of abortion it focuses on the needs of women who experience distress following an abortion. 

A woman faced with an unplanned pregnancy must come to terms with more than inconvenience.  Many adversities, financial and social, at school at work, and at home confront her.  The debate over abortion rights evaluates the problems and concludes that the problem lies with the woman.  She should be the one to change.  The focus is on the swelling belly not the pressures that led to her desparation.  The pro-choice people say, "Climb on this table and you'll be back to fitting right in."  The right to life people say, "Morally you are obligated to carry this baby to term and then good luck with the process of raising it."

A recent [Planned Parenthood] survey showed that in most cases a woman who chooses an abortion has at least three reasons. The most common reasons are: