October 9, 2002
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Am I Special ...
Tucker has taken up a new habit. It's a nasty one. He spits. I hate it, his brother hates it, his dad hates it, even the dog has expressed an opinion about it. We've talked with him, told him its nasty, told him it's disrespectful, and made him go to time-out in the corner when he does it. Still, he spits. Until Monday.
We weren't doing anything unusual. Michael and I were working on math, Tucker was at the other desk creating a mobile (I think, it was a mobile, there was paper, strings, and a lot of glue involved). Tucker decided to leave the room for a break, and on his way out, he spat at the floor.
He didn't even think about it. He just hocked a big old loogie right there in front of God and everybody. So I escorted him to the bathroom, telling him on the way how nasty this habit was. To help him remember that nastiness is unpleasant, we washed his mouth with soap. Now the nastiness is all cleaned out, and he has the experience of just what nastiness tastes like. (okay, work with me here, I'm trying to get through to a five year old, and I never said the analogy was perfect.)
He cried. He cried for long enough that he was excused to his bed where he could cry in peace. Finally, with tears on his face, he came back to the schoolroom.
"Momi, am I special?"
Yes, baby, you are special.
"Momi, I don't think special boys should get soap in their mouth. I think that's what spankings are for." He looked down at the floor for a minute, then he raised his head and glared at me. "I'm mad at you for putting that soap in my mouth."
Baby, you are so special that I'm willing for you to be mad at me. I want you to be the kind of person that other people will look at and say, 'there's a really special kid, he's kind, and respectful, I like having him around.'
He thought about it. Then he climbed up in my lap.
Some days, I like being Momi, but I really wish they could grow up and be wonderful humans without any unpleasantness along the way.
I'm believe in creative parenting. I especially like logical consequences. Remember how I was having a problem with Tucker playing in the waterhose? He played with the hose everytime he got outside. Most of the time we caught it, but at least three times we didn't realize he had it running until the next morning. Then I got the waterbill and it was 5 times the normal amount. For the next four weeks, everytime Tucker asked for anything at the store - even a stick of gum, I said, "We spent all the money that we could have used for treats paying the waterbill. Sorry." (In this situation, Michael didn't get treats either, maybe that wasn't fair to Michael, but they share, so if Michael had gotten a treat, Tucker would have a loophole.) As far as I know the water hose hasn't been played with since that bill came. I just got the most recent bill, and it's back down to our standard $17.
What's your favorite object lesson? I'm ready to take notes.
Comments (27)
I'm all for creative parenting... however, I havn't been very creative lately.
Time outs worked wonderfully for my son when he was little....
Poor little Tucker. The learning process can be trying.
I didn't have any special techniques. My son was telling me Monday that when he had kids he would be sure to have his own spoon. If that gives you a hint. hahaha
My daughter told me recently that she remembered my name calling. "I didn't call you names," I said. Oh yeah, mom, Heather and I had to look "shrew" up in the dictionary because we didn't know what it meant. Then my memory came back. When the kids acted really wild, I'd say something like "Stop that you lil' Shrew," thinking of the TAMING Of The Shrew. [It's always good to bring Shakespeare in when you can, lol]But they thought it was funny.
Balance, I think is important in child rearing. If you ever come across real negative, you need to find the "good" things about the incident and emphasize that. That's what I see you doing with Tucker. "You're so special that I want others to see you that way." Pretty cool technique. Nice job.
Well I don't have any tips john is still just 10 months and i am trying to teach him the word No he knows what it means but he has mine and Barrys stubornness in him and he looks at me gives me a dirty look and goes for whatever no means at the time. I won't spank him I don't belive in it . I was spanked most of my life and it did nothing for me I may smake his had and say no. I will spank if he is going for the electrical socket with a fork though. Thanks for your comment. I hope things are going great with your family. Your baby will learn soon. Goodluck. Love Shelly
You are wise.
"I really wish they could grow up and be wonderful humans without any unpleasantness along the way"...I suspect this isn't possible, by design. I think the whole purpose of family is dysfunction...with a safety net. I think growing up without unpleasantness makes persons ill-equipped to deal with the world at large. I wish more parents had the strength you have to put forth the effort required to prepare their kids for the unpleasantness in the world. I've met your kids, Terri, and that makes me uniquely qualified to say that you're a good mom.
Two not object lessons, but parental tactics I was subjected to: my mother used to ask me, "Do you want to take your bath at 6 or at 7? With bubbles or without?" I'd affirm my absolute freedom with "7 o'clock, and with bubbles, and that's the way it's going to be, dangit." She didn't care, in all cases I'm taking the bath she wants me to take. My father used to do this...whenever I saw something I really really really wanted he'd write the thing down on a piece of paper and put the paper in his wallet saying, "OK, we'll put that right in here, and if a week from now you still want it, we'll talk." Next time I saw something else I wanted, he'd take out his wallet, remove the original note, throw it away, and make a new note for the new thing while saying, "OK, we'll put that right in here, and if a week from now you still want it, we'll talk." We never talked, because I never made it a week without wanting something else more than whatever was in his wallet.
LOL>> TOO CUTE... Too special for soap in the mouth.. ROFL I love it.
No, I should be taking notes from YOU. This sounds eerily familar. I am subbing up to take informal parenting lessons. (I'm serious too)
Sounds like what we do around here.
I'm trying to figure out what to do with a mouthy 8 year old.
hehehehe - I have a soap story involving Jordan and his little brother's pacifier - remind me to tell you sometime!
We have done what we could to bring up our 6 children , rather firmly .
Amitié Michel
I’m no expert, but my kids do receive logical consequences for their actions, or as logical as we can create given the circumstances. I love your water bill example, which is a perfect logical consequence. Talk is cheap--consequences speak volumes. My last logical consequence for my son was when we had four left-over cinnamon bagels from Panera Bread. I was planning on each of us eating one after dinner for a treat. When it came time to eat them, there were only three left--my son had already eaten one without permission. Guess who didn’t get one with the rest of the family? Guess who was sad? Guess who didn’t care he was sad?
I like to catch my kids doing the things I want them to do and praise them for their good choices. "I like the way you were kind to your sister. You are a loving brother." Always positive reinforcement, and when necessary, a withdrawal of privileges. I try to avoid criticism. And I try to not take it personally or get too emotionally involved when they make wrong choices. I say things like, "I’m sorry you didn’t choose to obey. You can come out of your room when you are ready to do what I have asked." I never need to use that one any more--this, too, has passed.
I would praise Tucker often when he is not spitting by saying, "Tucker, I really like the way you have not spit all day today (or this afternoon, or this hour, as need be
). That makes me very happy and I love the way you are being so respectful. You must be very happy with yourself." I give attention to positive behavior whenever I can. The more praise you give out, the less unpleasantness in the home. I catch them being good--that’s my M.O. 
"I'm mad at you for putting that soap in my mouth." I LOVE the way he expresses his feelings!
One grand daughter went through a particularly difficult patch of lying. At Dairy Queen she wanted a banana split. I said "Didn't I catch you lying to me last week?" She said "Yes." I replied "Well, I don't really think I can trust what you tell me so I'm just going to get what I think is best. You can have a single dip vanilla cone." Even though I didn't want it, I got a banana split.
What is this? Have the emoticons changed? I put a wink and got a cool today. I put a smiley and got a sun yesterday. Anybody know? I'm afraid to do another emoticon - oh, heck might be fun.:)
Just think how God feels when His children just continue on in our ignorant bliss doing exactly what He told us not to do! He rebukes tough with love and how could we ever stay mad at Him? As for an object lesson, I can't think of one at the moment but my children are 16-18-20 and it doesn't get any easier, you just don't have to help them in the bathroom anymore. o/
God Bless - Dale
My favorite one was the cleaning the room episode with Heath. He was about 10, and his room was just absolutely awful. I'd been nagging him to clean it up, and he just avoided it. So, I put a sign on his door, marked for 2 weeks out on a Saturday. He was told that I wouldn't ask again, but that if his room wasn't clean by 5:00 on that Saturday, I was going to throw away everything that wasn't in it's place.
The big day soon arrived, and he had made no effort to clean the room. At 4:30, I started to gather trash bags. Seeing this, Heath made a last ditch effort and ran to his room to start cleaning. At 5:00 on the nose, I walked in with the trash bags, and started to just choop stuff into the bags. It only took about 34 minutes to scoop everything up (the entire time, he was begging for another chance to clean). All of the bags were put into the storage unit (I didn't thing away that wasn't truly trash). He had to work very hard at cleaning chores for the next month to "earn" back all of the stuff from the trash bags (it's amazing how hard he would work to get a pair of socks that matched!)
Needless to say, he kept his room pretty much spotless until he moved out into his own apartment.
Can you offer any tips for headstrong wives?
As I read this, I wonder if consequences isn't just a pretty word for punishments in the minds of some. Not all consequences are negative. The consequence of mixing up a big batch of yeasty dough, pounding on it and pushing it, shaping it and letting it rise once more plus a quick baking may be two-fold: a calmer baker and a tasty treat. The consequence of questioning may lead to new answers and/or ways of doing things. The consequences of wandering somewhat from the planned lessons for the day with my homeschooler may be a trip to an art gallery to further explore what caught our interest. Being open to positive consequences as well as those less desirable or pleasant works well for me and mine in our daily growth - and note that I include my own growth as a consequence of what my children teach me.
that was awesome that it worked! I tried soap with my bronco boy
hes a toughie hes going to be 15 monday...he got to where hed say heres the soap go ahead...i like it! He was tough tough tough..he would hit..he would destroy things at 5 when angry a real raging bull well i was watching this program about kids like mine and they showed a clip of a center where when the kids got so out of control they raged and started destructing things they held them down.. in a lap a chair whatever ...and i thought why not nothing else i try works..spanking was out hed become more violent..putting him in his room didnt work he opened the door..locking it didnt work he went out the window...tying the door shut NOT he ripped it off the hinges ..mind you he was 5...well i got creative..i told him that he was a good boy with a kind heart and the potential to be great but that inside him seemed to live this angry and mean boy who didnt care about anyone or anything when he got mad and when the mad boy was coming could he please tell me that he could "feel the mad" so i had at least some warning...it worked he he started telling me I feel the mad..I feel the mad...it didnt stop it but i had a bit to prepare at least and could then get a grip on him hold him in my lap with my arms and legs wrapped around him and wouldnt let him go till he was able to regain control it went on for maybe a month or so and he finally quit..it worked till he was to big to hold anymore..
Belinda
I've found that too often children remember the punishment, but not the what they had done in the first place to get punished. So, being the evil mother that I am, I have them write an essay detailing what preceded the punishment.
The writing of the essay will help remind them (at least I'm hoping that it will) of what they had done that deserved punishment. If done according to my directions, they get a "special dispensation" (which means for one afternoon, their sentence will be suspended.)!
I'm also big on apology letters.
I am collecting these and plan to use them nefariously at a future date. Because, I am, after all, the evil mother.
You sound like a sound mom
. My own almost-5-year-old is currently into negotiation. Today, on our after-dinner walk-in-the-woods, she stopped midway and refused to continue to wear the orange vest (it's hunting season). I knew there were no hunters in the area, but consistency being paramount, I insisted. She balked. I cajoled, weadled, and told a short funny story. She balked. I put my foot down. She was in a mood to give it up, but obviously needed to save face. Finally, working the vest down to her knees, she said she WOULD wear it, but only THAT way. Fine, said I: if there's orange on your body, it's a go. Whew. Much better than any adult "Getting To Yes" seminar, this mothering thing!
Ah...I don't have time to read all of the comments but I have to tell you what I did to break my daughter of the habit. Soap didn't work. Threatening didn't work. Finally, one day she spit on my hardwood floor and stood there with this look of defiance. I just stared right back at her and said, quite calmly..."Lick it up." stifled snort
The look on her face was priceless.
She said, "No! I won't!"
I kept staring at her and again said,
"Lick it up. Now."
"Momma, no. I'll wipe it up, I promise."
"NO one spits in my house, on MY floor. Lick it up...now."
"But what if the dog threw up there once?"
"Well, you'd better hope I cleaned it all up. Now, lick it up."
I finally had to stand there next to her...she knew I wouldn't let her run...and watch/listen to her as she knelt down and, yes, licked it up. Gagging all the way.
You know what? She was about 4 or 5 at the time. She'll be 17 in February. She's never forgotten that nor has she ever spit (except to dislodge dirt from softball or a bug) again.
Lesson taught. Lesson learned.
ah parenting...who needs books?
Steve went through a huge spitting phase when he was little. (About 5 or 6) We took a quarter out of his piggy bank every time we caught him spitting. It worked quite quickly.
One time when our now 22-year-old daughter was 2, I was upset about her daddy, my dear husband, choosing once again to join a weekly bowling league over a family-oriented activity. After he left for the bowling alley on one particular night, I was sitting in the living room, watching our little girl play on the floor at my feet. I started to cry. She got up, toddled over to me, looked me full in the face, and gave me a sound slap on the cheek, as if to say, "Snap out of it, Mom! Get a grip!" Ever since, she and I have rarely minced words. We are very close and at times very hard on one another. But I know she knows I can't pull any wool over her eyes, and vice versa. Some folks might think my style of parenting of both her and her younger brother, our 18 1/2 year-old-son, is TOO contemporary. I've never used soap in their mouths and rarely spanked them, once I'd been to a seminar on the harm in setting a violent example on one's own children. It really got my attention, and I definitely re-thought my patterns of parenting after that, and abruptly changed course. From then on, I adopted the attitude that communicating with one's presence, not just with words, is the best thing we can do for our families. Our kids both still live at home as they continue as college and graduate school students. They are comfortable here, and so are their friends. Our home is a haven, where people can be themselves. Oh...one more thing: even if either of the kids or my husband is just stepping out for an errand, I always try to say goodbye with an "I love you!" because one never knows these days if a loved one will return without being harmed in some way. This helps me eliminate regrets before they have a chance to happen.
Oh I remember my one and only soap-washing. I never "sassed" mom again!! Luckily my friends had Tootsie Rolls with them
That helped get the taste out LOL!!
Some great anecdotes in the comments. I applaud all of you for being creative parents. It is a tough job, and no manual will ever give you the "one and only" way to work with your children.
I myself worked with the premise if they understood the why they were more likely to not do, so consequences are a great way to show cause and effect. I also learned that I had to praise more and slow down on the negatives. At one point I even put a page on the fridge, with a pen hanging, and had each child as well as myself write a praise or thank you for any good thing that happenned during the day done by another member of the family. It made us all more aware that lots of good things went on we usually never acknowledged.
We are working on issues of control with our children...I've learned a lot from your post and the comments too!
Spot
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