September 6, 2002
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Raising Parents -
Sometimes I wonder when I'm ever going to get my parents raised. They just keep drifting along in the same self-destructive patterns that I've observed for my entire life, and apparently oblivious to all my excellent advice.
Yesterday, my Mom experienced a "dizzy spell" accompanied by numbness/tingling in her left arm, and numbness in her lips. Wouldn't you think it would be reasonable that if the woman couldn't walk that she would at least consider a visit to the ER for a quick check-up to make sure she wasn't going to drop dead? Wouldn't you think that the confession that she's had at least three of these "spells" since the weekend be enough to motivate my Dad to insist that she see a doctor?
The most we could get her to agree to do, is that she's going in to the lab this morning to have her blood sugar checked. My poor dad. In all his married life I can never remember him insisting to have his way once my mom had taken her stand.
Relationships are fraught with peril. Not just the obvious perils, but sometimes the more dangerous ones that we just don't notice anymore. Our habits of relating to each other can carry us right through day after day in which one person sees a problem/issue but can't bring him/herself to violate years of tolerance for the other person's right to make his/her own decision.
Armed with this insight, I took a look at my own relationship with my husband and children. (And friends and sisters and brother and the dog - I'm nothing if not thorough.)
My husband has said that if I refuse to seek medical treatment when I obviously need it, he'll take me to the hospital, tell them that I'm his wife and that my name is Sadie Threadgill, and that he's very worried about me becuase I don't seem to know who I am. It's sneaky and you know, it might work. For the first time in my life I'm considering a tatoo. Something small and discrete - like my driver's license and social security card stamped on my backside.
My kids said, "Mom if you ever look like you are sick and can't take care of yourself, we know what to do." Michael said he gets to be in charge and Tucker said he gets to eat all the banana popsicles that he wants.
My sister said, "If I tell you to get your ass to the doctor, it better show up wearing bells and a smile." I'm not exactly sure what this means, but I'm looking into the fashion magazines today, because I'm thinking I may have missed something.
When I asked my dog what she'd do if I showed signs of imminent incapacitation, she got a terrified look on her face and squatted on the carpet. I barely got her outside in time to avoid a major catastrophe.
I spoke with one representative friend, and she said that it was hard for her to imagine a time in which I would be the needy one. But if it ever happened, she'd be happy to babysit. And hopefully, that time would come long after my kids/dog/husband have grown up and moved out so all she'd really need to worry about is watering my plants.
Do you ever wonder if we take this whole independence thing too far? Are we so respectful of each other's right to self-determination that we are afraid to speak up and attempt to influence another person. Do we feel so little responsibility for our fellow man that we cannot even bring ourselves to speak when we see the yawning pit ahead and the "bridge out" signs?
I know there are people who live in the other extreme. There are some people who have such a need to manipulate and control others that their lives become models for CSI episodes. (Is anyone else glad that there will be TWO CSI's this fall?) But, it seems to me that in this day and age the consensus is for independence to the point that even people in controlling relationships go out of their way to deny the reality of their situation to others.
Mutual Interdependence - The day that I start thinking that I know better than to listen to the perspective of the people who love me (even those with questionable fashion suggestions), I have crossed a line that leads to destruction. If I forget that though I may have some insight I don't possess infinite insight, I lose access to that one bit of knowledge that has escaped me but which I need to make my life safe. The knowledge is still there, but I've created a barrier so that it can't get to me.
Comments (23)
This type of independence help my mom be where she is today and with vascular dementia - a result of strokes. She had several of these "spells" before anyone could get her into the doctor ... then is was basically too late to reverse the damage that was done. It took a really bad stroke to get her there ... I am making notes to myself ... independence ... stubborn independence ... does not help anyone ... but you know as we get older we become like our parents in many ways .... so, we need to get our minds set now on not being so darn independent that we harm ourselves because of it. **HUGS**
You managed to make me laugh and think all in one blog! Independence is a two edged sword...we all need to realize our reflection in the mirror is a distorted one. If we are lucky enough to have people in our lives who care about us we should trust their judgement and be confident that their advice is for our benefit...(You lost me on the CSI...what's that?) Spot
This is SO true...my mother is the epitome of the "do as I say, not as I do" personality. She is going to be horrible to deal with when she truly gets to the point that she has to have medical attention she doesn't want...because she simply will not listen to ANYONE that tells her anything. Strike that...she listens to EVERYONE else except the ones who actually have her best interests in mind...TV personalities, the mailman, and the gas station guy are quoted as the harbingers of the gospel though. *Sigh* Thank goodness you don't sound as if that will be the path you travel...because it makes it VERY difficult for those who care.
And when your fashionably dressed ass shows up at the hospital the rest of your body had better damn well be along with it!
You are as insightful as you are introspective!
I think every time I visit and read through your entry completely I feel I have been enriched... I am able to take away a new depth of wisdom... much thanks to you...
I prefer to think of it as mutual dependence, it doesn't bother me at all to have my wife insist on my doing what I'm too unmotivated to do.
God Bless - Dale
My Paul won't go to a doctor unless it's dire. Now, if it's me, he'll literally pick me up & put me in the truck to drive to the doctor.
Faith
Gl With Mom!!
Empathizing with you here... my post cancer (nearly fatal) surgery mom had a bazillion ppl flooding in to visit. Barely out of recovery, they ask, "How are YOU???" She replies, "I am fine!" I am thinking, "WHATEVER?!"
Hope you have a good weekend!
I was still working on my entry when i saw you had already gone in and left a comment - it felt so strange LOL
but where Dr.s and hospitals are concerned I truly have very little faith in the medical proffession now.
What you have described for your mother sounds very much like mine when she started having mini strokes. Make sure the Dr. checks for that too - there is medication to stop it from continuing - just do not let them say an aspirin a day (Dr. told me this only works for men, even though this is what he subscribed for her) It was only after she had a major one and ended up as a permanent resident that he let me know, and now they give it to her.
I too agree with mutual dependence/partial independance
I'm dealing with the independence (and stubbornness) with my mother right now as well. ~sigh~
You make some excellent points with a lot of humor here. Excellent blog!!!
That was down right beautiful and cannot imagine it being expressed any better! Damn but we do damn ourselves
I wonder if I'll be this way when I get older. I see these tendencies in my mother, too. She doesn't want her children telling her what to do. Pride perhaps. Denial?
Very well said.
My Mother is getting to the point where she will want all my attention....like she's forgotten how independant she's been for 77 years. I hope she knows how to get a passport....because I'm moving.
I don't like going to the Dr., I'll go for the yearly and then...hey I'll tough out being sick unless I'm dying. Mike is the same way. But I do encourage others to seek medical attention when it's needed.
LOL at Fugitive's fashion statement.
I can be pretty stubborn and hope that I listen to my family when they see things that I don't as far as my life and well being goes. Something to think about. Hope Dad is doing okay. Thinking about you guys.
parents...pah! it's our curse for being difficult children. my mom's had two strokes...felt the first one moving up her arm...into her face..but got on the phone fast enough to ask for my dad before her words were a slur. the second was worse. let your mom fuss all she wants...make her get help.
Something I actually learned only a month or two ago: Unless someone asked for my opinion or advice, they probably don't want it. Parents probably feel more that way than anyone.
Thanks, very well written.
I am glad that you have become somewhat more self aware...
But you do still get a bit stubborn every now and then, don't ya?
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