April 9, 2002

  • Freedom in Friendship


    When I was in school, my most fascinating classes looked at how it is that people communicate with each other.  There was a kind of fervent positivism in the way these classes were taught.  I think that some of those professors actually believed that if people could just understand each other, they would all agree with each other.


    Guess what, I don't agree.  There is an underlying unity that may be achieved in a relationship when two people understand the messages they are sending.  If I understand your message, I am able to send intelligent and relevant messages back to you regarding your message.  The fact that I understand your message in no way implies that I agree with your message.  The umbrella of friendship covers a huge diversity of opinion.  To me, that's part of what makes friendship fun. 


    Sometimes disagreement isn't seen as diversity.  Some people take it as personal rejection when others aren't able to agree with their precisely expressed message.  Or they take it as a sign that the other person didn't really understand.  These people have the same mindset that my old professors had, they are just certain that understanding will equal agreement.  But, I don't think so.


    There are very good reasons why two people can completely understand each others position and still disagree without implying that either person is deficient in the ability to reason.  We each have a different world view and different experiences on which we draw.  We have different philosophical starting places.  Everyone has to start with a certain set of "givens" but we don't all agree on what the "givens" of reality are.


    I think that the best we can do is to give each other freedom.  We are each entitled to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling (as St. Paul would say).  The more we try to manipulate others emotionally, spiritually, or intellectually, the more we impede their ability to find the truth for themselves. 


    An easy example of this is conversation about religious themes.  When one person knows the way there is an almost overwhelming temptation to insist that those around them step in that exact path.  I think that we could all learn from the example of the spiritually wise who have over and again asserted the truth that each person must seek and find God as an individual.  One of the things that is striking to me about the gospel accounts is the many different ways in which Jesus drew people to himself.  Some he healed, some he touched, some he forgave, and some he called.  I wonder if those he healed ever said to those he forgave, "You need to understand him as I understand him in order to truly understand him."


    "Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err. It passes my comprehension how human beings, be they ever so experienced and able, can delight in depriving other human beings of that precious right." Ghandi, 1931

    "Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress." Ghandi

Comments (21)

  • Agreed!! 

    When you think about it; Reality is what we all agree on to be true.. but if we each have different views on that.. is it real??

  • http://www.mormon.org/learn/0,8672,1090-1,00.html

    The above link will give you the information you requested regarding my quote on faith.  I believe I KNOW the WAY.  The WAY is Christ.  http://scriptures.lds.org/john/14/6#6

    I also believe in letting each person find their own way, as I did. 

     I claim the priviledge of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of my own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

    Thanks for stopping by my site.  Sorry my e-mail link doesn't work.  I'm new at this and I'm very leary of strangers on the web, if you know what I mean.  That's why I didn't give out too much personal info either.

  • I always leave your site thinking about what you have said.  Great stuff!

  • Terri,

    I think you have done a beautiful job of stating your position.  The issue isn't agreement as much as it is understanding. 

    We have come to a sad time indeed when we are no longer able to graciously acknowledge another person's point of view without resorting to rudeness and sarcasm.

    The epitome of arrogance is to take the position that anyone not agreeing with your point of view is either less intelligent or has fundamental errors in their reasoning.  If this is where superior intellect leads then I will happily remain ignorant.

    Good work on today's blog, you have handled yourself with much more dignity than I could have mustered.

  • Well stated...

  • *Clapping loudly*

    Excellent blog, Terri!!!

  • As they say...all roads lead to Rome - in other words, you can gain knowledge and wisdom from all faiths. Where it all comes to a deadend, is when people perceive that they can gain all the answers from one faith - such as Christianity...and then dismiss all other faiths as irrelevant.

    Just like you cannot learn everything about schooling from one teacher - you cannot learn everything about wisdom from one source. (There are many who think you can though - and they have my sympathy...because they are delusional.)

    Once you have travelled along all paths, then you no longer have to return to learn more - that makes sense, doesn't it! So...if people have learnt the TRUE WAY - what are they still doing on Earth? (Surely they would have moved on to pastures anew by now!)

    Just my opinion!

  • I was just on fugitive's site and reread yesterdays comments and I just want to say, I am HERE at this site because you are such a beautiful complex intelligent yet simple (And beleive simple is GOOD) woman. You make me FEEL Better for knowing you.

    I have to say if I got the comment you did yesterday it would have left me in tears. I am very sensitive about my dyslexia and the resulting well results (Hehehe I's funny ) I hope you do not let that comment bring you down, somehow I know it didn't but well I just want you to know...I didn't see one mistake! But well I AM Stupid when it comes to grammer. But hey, you got one reader who will NEVER EVER notice!

    Besides all that lovely blog today as usual made me think! I love that and thank you for it.

  • This old debate junkie loves disagreements, as long as certain ground rules are followed. Debate the ideas, not attack the those debating. Listen to other's viewpoints instead of planning your next verbal barrage. Be Respectful and remember that just because your beliefs and viewpoints are valid given your experience, traditions, and logic doesn't mean that another viewpoint might not be equally valid from another's stance. Don't bring up things that are not relevant to the debate to distract from the validity of another's words.

    It's a joy to read here. I feel challenged and enlightened by what you present. That's a very good thing in my book.

  • How mean and cruel some people can be.  It makes you wonder if they are just trying to be cruel.  You write awesome blogs that make people think ~ don't let one person bring you down!!! 

  • Thanks for the compliment on my picture!  It's one of the most special things I have done in my life!

  • *Bravo* Standing ovation...And agreed...I am capable of understanding a persons' point of view, accepting it as their way of seeing things, and going forth without making it in any way MY point of view...that's the POINT of communication for ME. Or, I may change my mind, if I see the reasons I need to expressed well by another. But either way, I will give anyone the right to his own opinions. Great blog!

  • Hmm...I missed a couple of blogs and had to back up a bit to find out what was going on.  I apologize for sort of ignoring your site for a day or so but I was still a bit miffed about a comment made by one of your readers concerning me the other day.  I actually wrote quite a large and direct rebuttal then decided 1) your site wasn't the place for me to get into a name calling match with someone and 2) I didn't really want to do so anyways, so I deleted most of it.  I was reminded that if we act like those that we disagree with, then we are as bad as they and thus have no complaint.  Why am I saying this?  Because I was surprised and relieved to see that you handled a simliar situation by saying some things I wanted to say but in a much more loving and understanding way.  I can see God had His hand on me stopping me from acting very un-Christ-like.  Kudos to you and many thanks for your intelligent (yes, Tim, I said intelligent) blogs.

    God Bless - Dale

  • ::standing::  ::applauding:: ::flicking my Bic in the darkened theater of life::

    Woman, you amaze me.  And you seem to be on a similar path to understanding as my own.  Your grace under fire shows me how to be a class act.  Thank you.  So much!

  • Actually, the more we try to manipulate others emotionally, spiritually, or intellectually, the more we impede our own ability to find the truth for ourselves, for the truth will not be in us. http://scriptures.lds.org/dc/121/37#37

  • Excellent blog. And though I may not present myself as well as you and your readers, I must have a little fun at Ghandi's expense. His words are wise but do not fit married life as I know it. All me to paraphrase:

    "Honest disagreement is often a good sign that I'll be sleeping on the couch."
      -Tim, husband of Terri, purchaser of comfy couches

  • I agree 100% Hey, I like your new look here, very pretty.

  • Awsome Awsome Blog!!!

  • Good blog. I don't read people that are not respectful of other's opinions. Life is too short to read rude bloggers.

  • I have a question in the form of a short "story".

    There are three men standing at the side of a cliff.  They begin discussing the cliff, and the result of taking a step off it which results in an arguement.  "I don't believe in gravity", says the first, "It doesn't exist.  I can jump off this cliff just fine, and I won't get hurt".  The third person shakes his head, "No, my friend...  gravity is a very real thing.  When you step off of this cliff, you will fall at an increasing speed and eventually hit the bottom.  At this height... you'll die.  Don't do it... I don't want that to happen to you."

    The second person then speaks up, shaking his head, "There is a such thing as gravity, but it isn't anything like you just said.  Gravity works differently for each person.  It all depends on who you are, and what is right for you that decides how it works.  If I think that gravity will make me fall to my death, and I step over that cliff... then I will.  But!  If I think it will not harm me, and I do so, then I will be fine."

    The third person shakes his head, looking somewhat pained.  "That isn't true.  Gravity is real, it acts the way it acts and is what it is regardless of your opinion about the truth of it, or mine.  It just is, and we can try to experiment with it and learn about it... but that doesn't change it."

    The first person, impatient, says "Well, you two can argue about this all you want... however, I am going".  He smiles and steps out into the air, and falls over the edge.  After a second or two, he hits the ground below and instantly dies.  The second person shook his head, sighing sadly, "I guess he really didn't believe what he said.  Deep down, he must have thought gravity would kill him if he stepped off.  Well, I suppose that happens.  Now, you have fun standing here by yourself... meanwhile, I'm flying home".  With a leap, they jump off the cliff... after hovering in the air briefly, a look of shock appears on their face as they fall and die.  The third person is left, grieving, on the edge of the cliff where two people just died.  One didn't believe in gravity, one thought that gravity was relative to each person.  That didn't change gravity, though.

    -Pat

  • I tend to think that we find ways to mitigate TRUE differences betwen ourselves and our closest friends, or at least we find that upon further review such differences are in truth more nuanced than we first thought they were.

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