Stormfront -

I love the morning after a storm.  We have had thunder and lightening around our little hill for most of the past 24 hours.  The cats even stayed inside all day and that almost never happens during the fall "field mouse" season. 

This morning there are still heavy clouds in the sky, but the wind is blowing sweet and clean over a carpet of leaves on the ground. 

As some of you know and others have guessed, my personal circumstances have been fairly stormy for the past eight weeks or so.  I can report that there are still heavy clouds in my life, but today, I'm enjoying the sweet clean breeze of Spirit.  I was reminded recently that I'm not UNDER my circumstances.  The single thing that I can hang onto with both hands and trust is that I have hte power and freedom in the Spirit to makes choices in spite of my circumstances. 

Yeah, I know this is kind of basic spirituality, but sometimes I forget the basics.  I have to be reminded that the circumstances I'm in don't say diddly-squat (I love that word) about whether I'm a "good" person or a "bad" person.  The only thing that ever indicates what kind of person I am is what comes out of me during the circumstance that happens around me.

There is a Twila Paris song I love, called "Hold On" that makes the point I've been learning all over again.  She sings, "You can hold on to sorrow, hold on to pain, you can hold on to honor or the glory of your name, you can hold on to anger, you can hold on to gold, but when you hold on to Jesus, you are holding on to hope . . . so hold on."  Funny thing, I can't hold to Jesus and any of those other things simultaneously.  I have to let go to reach for God.

Trust -

I've been thinking a lot about trust lately.  Specifically trust in relationships and what that means.  As a Chrisitian, I'm aware that we are instructed not to put our trust (these Hebrew words so translated mean hope for security, protection) in humans.  At various points in the Bible we are specifically instructed not to trust anyone, neighbors, friends, family etc.  The one exception to this rule is found in Porverbs 31 in which the virtuous woman is held up as worthy of trust.

So Biblical trust - reliance upon another for protection, security and so forth - is strictly the province of God.  It is a nice thought, but a path to heartache to forget that.  Whenever we rely on weak humans, we are apt to be disappointed.

On the other hand, I would like to be a person worthy of trust.  I wish that my children could always know that I'll be there and protect them.  I wish that my friends could know that I'm completely reliable in matters of confidentiality.  I wish that my family could always count on me to come through for them even when it isn't the most convenient thing for me to do.  I wish that my husband could trust me to always take into consideration his best interests.  But if past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.  They'd be foolish to rely on me.

I'm running out of hands now - but - on the other hand - I feel really disappointed when the people I rely on let me down.  Bit of a chasm between the reality of human nature and my optimism that other people are a little more perfect than I'm afraid they are.

I know, this is pretty vague.  Just trust me , sometimes relationships stink. 

Autumn -

Well, tomorrow is my mother's birthday.  She'll be 60 years old.  For some reason this seems a major milestone in MY life.  Age has never impacted me too much.  I note my birthdays but they don't say much to me about who I am as a person, and some years I can't remember how old I am.  (This has especially been an issue since my son was born on my birthday.  We have focused on his age rather than mine and some years it just doesn't FEEL like I had a birthday at all.)

But, now my Mom is turning 60.  I was at first thinking that this is a horrible sign.  She's getting old, I'm getting afraid for her mortality.  Then I started thinking about all the things I like about Autumn.  I love the vivid colors, the smells, the textures, and the tasts.  I love apple butter and pumkin pie.  I love the first day that it's cool enough that my cat chooses to nap in my lap for warmth.  If my Mom is entering the Autumn phase of life, there is a lot to look forward to and enjoy that wasn't possible at earlier stages.

In the immaturity of Spring and the Summer of career, there isn't time to sit down in the rocker and sip cider.  Now is the time of soft sweaters and holding hands.  I'm glad that Mom is in a position to enjoy this phase of her life, and I hope that I'll be wise enough to see the beauty of now, instead of fearing the coming winter.

Real Labels

Just saw a quote I really like - "Reality is jsut an illusion, albeit a persistent one."  Albert Einstein. 

I'm reading Phil McGraw's book 'Life Strategies.'  I'm not a huge Oprah fan so I haven't been exposed to his brand of phsychologizing before.  But my bestest friends - Barb and Mary - have both suggested that I can benefit from what he has to say.

His first advice in this book is 'get real.'  Apparently, I need to learn this lesson, because when I read it I get a headache, my stomach hurts, and I want to cry.

I don't know if I've ever known who the "real" me is.  I've always known myself in relationship to other people, but if left by myself on a desert island, I'm not sure who'd I'd be or what I'd do.  I know there are some things I'm good at and other things that I'm not so good at.  But, I'm not even sure what I WANT to do.

Even sitting here typing this, I can hear the voices of my friends in my head saying to me "You are  . . . . or You like . . . " and I take comfort that maybe they know me well enough to have something real to say about me.  But then again, I don't know if anyone knows me that well.  If I don't know myself, then the only thing they can know is my "game face."  And one thing I do well is play the game.

I'm still losing weight, and somehow, becoming a different shape is getting mixed up in my head with becoming a different person.  According to the scale at my doctor's office I weigh more than I do on my scale at home, but the total pounds lost is in agreement between both scales so I'm content that even if I don't know exactly what I weigh, I know how much less that number is than it used to be.

Maybe that's all there is.  Maybe there isn't any core that never changes and is ME.  Maybe the reality is that I AM in relation to the people in my life and it's a mistake to think that "I" could ever be a static concept.

One of the things that Barb has said really got my attention.  I've always voiced a dislike for labels.  I don't like to be labeled and I try to avoid labeling other people.  But what she observed about me is that I try to figure out what each person in my life wants m to be, and then I'll do whatever it takes to fit in that box.

All I know is that if I'm in a box, I hope it's not corrugated cardboard.

Blue Funk -

That's where I've been squatting lately.  The blue funk swamp.  And my troubles are so trivial compared to the day to day crisis on the news that it doesn't seem much worth complaining about them.  But, I'm complaining anyway.

My bad time started on September 2.  I was in the midst of a longed for visit with my bestest and oldest friend, when I got the news that my grandmother had a massive stroke.  Now please don't think me heartless, but my first thought was "oh, great, I finally get a chance to relax and enjoy myself and Granny picks NOW to burst an artery."  Okay, you can think I'm heartless, I've certainly said ti to myself.

Well, I don't deal well with guilt.  I packed up my gear and made a flying trip back home to pick up my kids and then a flying trip to Arkansas in hopes that I could make it to the hospital before my Grandmother died.  She didn't die.  Instead they stabilized her and sent her home.  Her throat is paralyzed so she can't talk, can't swallow, can't do anything but choke on the saliva that trickles down her throat.  But, they sent her home. 

She requires round the clock care.  Constant monitoring of the feeding tube.  Constant moving her stiffened limbs so they won't atrophy.  Constantly being lifted and turned so she won't get bed sores.  I stayed as long as I could helping my family into the routine of caring for her. 

Now I'm back home in Indiana.  After weeks of very little sleep, as soon as I got home - I got sick.  I'm at the end of ten days of coughing, sneezing, sniffling, stuufy head, fever cause I didn't rest FLU.  I've done vitamins, herbal tea, theraflu, fruit juice . . . chocolate.  I still feel roughly like something my cats disemboweled on the front steps.

So tonight when you're watching CNN and feeling sorry for the poor people of Kabul, or worrying about what kind of retaliatory measures they may be planning against us.  I'll be in my bubble bath, soaking in my negativity, and totally focused on my own petty problems. 

Oh, and did I mention the blessing of my kids perfect health.  What was I thinking when I decided that homeschooling them was a good idea.  I just want some nice state run institution to take them so I can sleep.